


Nothing I Do Is Safe

by orphicsheep



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: 97 Spoilers, Action/Adventure, Essek's POV, First Love, Found Families, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance, Unwanted Family Reunions, Wizard Battle, beacon heists, bed sharing, canon adjacent, den politics, just two mages vibing, magic lab partners, redemption arc, vengeance is something that can be so romantic okay, your den or mine?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-22
Updated: 2020-06-29
Packaged: 2021-02-23 08:16:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 40,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23008468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphicsheep/pseuds/orphicsheep
Summary: Essek won't let falling in love with Caleb interfere with his work, until it does. He won't let his fondness for the Nein distract him from his ambitions, until they do. Now he has to choose between stopping a war and stopping Trent.
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 22
Kudos: 194





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> If dinner and peace talks had gone a little differently, from Essek's perspective. Spoilers up to episode 97, then veers largely off course. As always, love & thanks go out to the ETFC! I am so grateful for all of you.

He shouldn't be here. He shouldn't be waiting for Caleb to take his hand, so he can teleport him and his friends to the other side of Exandria on the Nein's latest suicide mission. He shouldn't care so damn much, when he does. He shouldn't be losing sleep over Caleb, just because he lowers his eyes and leans in close during lessons, and sometimes their hands or knees brush. Just because he has a brilliant, quick mind, and a natural aptitude for dunamancy, and makes him laugh. Makes him forget.

It felt like the right thing to do at the time. It felt _important._ So why was he shaking, now? Why can't he _stop_ shaking? Why does he feel like he's hanging on by a thread? He had no idea how empty his house was, before they filled it with laughter and music and life. He had no idea what friendship was before he met them, but now he'd lay down his life to defend them, to keep them from harm.

He couldn't focus on his work when he returned to his study in the Bastion. Several unopened portfolios lay before him, but he was still twirling his quill between dexterous fingers, head in the cloud, imagining what it would be like to feel Caleb's lips brush against his, to mingle their breath, on a cold night, to grab him by the scarf and pull him closer, or knock him off his feet and up against a wall, and give way to a passion he had too long kept under lock and key.

So why was he still pretending all he wanted was to be his friend? He couldn't pretend his reaction was not physical, whenever the human, unthinking, wove a hand through his hair, and let it fall loose over his shoulders, or swallowed hard and licked his lips, before worrying his teeth with the point of his quill as he went over a difficult problem, or when he had the audacity to take hold of Essek's arm, or pull him into a hug. He couldn't pretend the ache in his stomach was hunger, and he could no longer take refuge in meditation, without his thoughts invariably returning to their lessons, to Caleb's eyes, blue as the sea, or the way his voice danced when he was nervous, and a vain hope in the back of Essek's heart said it was because of him, because he felt this tension too, this need wasting him away from within.

Maybe if Beau had not been there the other night, when Caleb walked him home like a perfect gentleman, and Essek was full of dutch courage, he could have kissed him. Maybe Caleb would even kiss him back. Maybe if the spell had worked, they would have celebrated. More wine, more laughter, another dip in the hot tub, before the Nein went off on their next adventure. Maybe they would even invite him to go with them. Maybe he would even say _'yes.'_

He would feel guilty, afterwards, of course. He would feel guilty for lying to him, for lying to them all, from the start. But for a few brief moments he could stop feeling so lonely, so hollow, like a ghost. Jester sent him a message thanking him for his teleport and asking if he wanted any pastries. Her sendings used to annoy him, but now... he couldn't help but smile whenever he heard her voice. Whenever he saw her. They were no longer just _his_ friends, they were Essek's, and try as he might, he could not imagine a life without them.

☆☆☆

When their interrogation over dinner became overwhelming, Essek found an opportunity to slip away for a few moments and catch his breath. It didn't take long for Caleb, who had been watching him closely all evening, to find him. They were always staring, but they were never alone. It didn't feel so overpowering when there were other people present, but in a quiet corridor, alone, it was... disquieting, the power this human held over him.

Caleb's hand suddenly joined his, fingers searching in the dark, before gently closing around his. Such soft skin, despite the scars and callouses which spiderwebbed his hands and arms. His gaze never wavered, and there was fire in his eyes like the fire at his fingertips. A fire which never left them. 

"I thought I'd find you here. I come here sometimes, too, when I need a little peace and quiet. I know my friends and I can be... too much, for some people," Caleb began, before Essek raised his other hand in a dismissive gesture.

"You are not, nor could you ever be, _too much,"_ Essek insisted with a gentle smile. Caleb's hand slipped away from Essek's, who raised his to take hold of Caleb's arm before he could move away, not wanting this connection to be lost for good. He could tell Caleb was making an effort to console him, to reach out, to make him feel... less alone. He wanted to return the favour. This always seemed to be the way with them. Tic-for-tac. Favour for favour.

"You are a remarkable man, Caleb Widogast. You could accomplish so much, if you would only believe in yourself."

Caleb lifted his eyes to meet Essek's and opened his mouth to reply, but the sound of plates breaking quickly tore his attention away. He told Essek to take as much time as he needed, then left to check on the others. Essek contemplated returning home. Running away. It wasn't far. What was he staying for, anyway? Why had he come here? Because he wanted to be their _friend?_ They kept asking him questions, but he still knew nothing about them, and their lives, really. What if Caleb had someone waiting for him back home? Someone he loved? A family?

 _What if he didn't?_ He smiled at Essek like he didn't. Like there was no one else in the world but them. Like they were the last two people on Exandria. _This is love. I am falling in love, and it's hell._ He brought a hand to his temples, closed his eyes, and threw back another glass of wine when no one was looking, surrepticiously refilled his glass. _I will tell him tonight. It's the not-knowing that's killing me, not the not-having._

Mind made up, he rejoined the others. Caleb smiled when he did, but it was a careful smile. Essek returned it. They were conspirators, now. They had shared a moment, however brief, which was lost on the others. But they shared so much more than that, really. A love of dunamancy. A fascination with the arcane. A loneliness which ran deep. An estrangement from the world into which they were born and raised.

It didn't escape the Shadowhand's notice that when he was looking at Caleb, Caleb was looking back. Sometimes he would go red and his eyes would dart away, embarassed to have been caught staring. Maybe they shared this, too, this inexplicable fascination with one another, this strange sensation of a broken and bruised thing finding its other half which Essek felt whenever Caleb spoke of books or magic or his pursuit of knowledge, whatever the cost. 

They somehow managed to lure him into their hot tub. He wasn't too drunk to appreciate seeing the human he was so enamoured with strip down to his smallclothes before getting in, himself. The scars on his arms may have been more numerous, but he could now see a series or bruises, battle scars, and burns spread across his body, all, most likely, won in battle, or in his escape from the clutches of the Assembly. How ruthless they must be, to try and ruin something so beautiful, but they had failed in the end. To Essek, his scars were a sign of strength, of endurance. They only made him more beautiful.

All Essek parted with were his boots, but he still felt exposed before them. He had never poured his heart out like this to... anyone, but he wanted so badly to confide in them, to confess everything, that secrets readily fell from his lips. Every secret, but the worst one, the one that would spell his ruin, the one that he knew would drive them away for good.

When he had finished his glass, enjoying the pleasant resulting haze, he took his leave of the Nein. Caleb offered to walk him home. To see his house, and for no other reason. Essek tried to take this invitation in stride, knowing it meant he _had_ to tell him, _had_ to go through with it... until Beau invited herself along, too. He forced a polite smile and followed Caleb, who had opened the door for him so gallantly as he adjusted his mantle. He could not invite Caleb in without their chaperone following, so instead he invited them to breakfast the next morning. Another opportunity to see Caleb alone. Then he could ask him what this was, between them, if he felt this spark too, if a few weeks apart had not felt like a year.

_"I think you're prepared for more than you know, Caleb."_

He poured himself another drink.

☆☆☆

Teleportation does not always go smoothly. The spell worked fine, and Essek was quite pleased with himself, until several arrows flew past his head in quick succession.

 _"Kill the Crick!"_ Someone shouted.

 _"Surrender the mage or die!"_ Came another voice.

"We aren't looking for a fight, we are on a mission from the Wildmother to find an oasis..." Caduceus started, arms held out in a pacifying gesture, before he is rudely interrupted by another flurry of arrows as soldiers began drawing their swords, axes, and bows. Caleb recognised their armour at once, and so does Essek. _Empire soldiers. Crownsguard._

 _"Ach meine Götter,"_ Caleb groaned, already reaching for his components and casting mage armour.

Essek, as unaccustomed to guerilla warfare as he was to daylight, took a moment to react. By then the rest of the Nein had already leapt to his defense, weapons raised. Caleb grabbed Essek's arm and dragged him aside, shoving him unceremoniously into snow and rock.

 _"Get behind me!"_ He shouted as he cast shield, before firing a few fire bolts at their attackers with expert precision. Essek caught his breath, winded more by Caleb then the arrows which had narrowly skimmed past him. One had landed, but he pulled it out of his arm without hesitation. It hardly looked fatal. He raised himself up onto his feet than off the ground, casting a spell to drag the attackers into the centre of a field of gravity, which dragged them in like a whirlpool, knocking several off their feet. Caleb readied a wall of fire which cut through the line, as Yasha and Fjord charged the outliers, swords raised. There were still some archers stationed along the hill and an alcove of the mountain pass. A small scouting patrol, not a full fleet, but they still outnumbered them.

Caleb fired a few magic missiles at the archers. Essek summoned an Echo, sent it to attack the archers just out of range, higher up the mountain. Beau and Jester dimension doored behind them, made quick work of the rest. He reached out to tentatively touch Caleb's shoulder, but he jumped at the contact.

"Are you okay, Caleb?" He asked. 

The wizard nodded, still out of breath, reeling.

Essek glanced past him at the dead soldiers. "This won't look good for our peace talks."

"They wouldn't hesitate to kill you. Now they can't," Caleb replied in a grim tone. "I'm sorry we brought you here, I wasn't thinking... I should have known it would be dangerous for you."

"No... no I think this is good for me. I usually stay so far away from the frontlines... you forget." He was nodding slowly to himself as he spoke, considering the bodies of these soldiers, and what to do next... then he lifted his head, saw Caleb was still waiting for an end to that sentence. So he changes the subject. "You are very light on your feet. I have never seen a wall of fire cast so... efficiently."

"Fire is, ah... second nature to me," Caleb replied with a sheepish grin, ducking his head. He looked up in time to see a soldier drift up from behind a tableau of rocks and race towards Essek, axe raised, nearly connecting it with the drow's back before Caleb casts a fire bolt, hurling him back into the rocks. He fires another to finish him off.

Essek simply watches, wide-eyed and dazed, as Caleb loots the corpse with cold dispassion. There isn't much on him, so he takes the axe. It might be able to split firewood, if nothing else. He raises himself to his feet in one easy motion, turns to face Essek, looks him over.

"Are you hurt? Did any of the arrows hit you?"

"I'm fine, just a few grazes... I can see a healer when I get back." His eyes were burning in the sunlight, going red.

"Caduceus will take care of you," Caleb said, gently taking Essek's arm, and dragging up the heavy fabric of his mantle to see where the arrow had struck him. He was right. It wouldn't do serious damage unless the tip had been poisoned, but they couldn't risk infection.

"Consider this a favour repaid," Essek said, forcing a smile to lighten the mood. It did not. Caleb let go of his arm, waved Caduceus over.

"You're a stronger mage than I. You could have stopped him," he insisted, without looking back.

"I didn't even hear him coming! I have been working in the Bastion too long. It seems I've gone soft," Essek admitted, still winded.

When Caleb looked back, he noticed the blood staining through the drow's torn sleeve. Essek's eyes had gone redder and started to bleed. Caleb frowned, covering Essek's eyes with his hand before drawing him closer.

"Maybe that isn't such a bad thing. At least you are safe in Rosohna." He was trying to shield him from the light. He wanted to lessen his pain. Essek gave in, buried his face in Caleb's shoulder, felt an arm wrap around his waist.

"Am I?" Essek asked. "I could barely stop that Scourger from killing you."

"But you did. Now we are even."

"Caleb... wherever you're going, wherever this mad hunt takes you... please be careful. At the very least... take this, it will protect you when I can't." He blindly felt for a pebble-sized object in the pocket of his coat, pressed it into Caleb's hand.

"A rock? You're giving me a rock?" Caleb replied, sounding sceptical as he examined the rock for a long moment before pocketing it. It was smooth, black, and disc-shaped, probably found in the bed of a river. "How is this going to protect me?"

"If you need it badly enough, you'll find out," Essek insisted. "You just mix it with water and say: _un ku ran."_

"Well... thank you for this rock."

"You're welcome."

The rest of the Nein eventually picked their way back to them, and showed Essek out of the light and into the shade of the nearby woods. They set up camp around the lagoon, which was as beautiful as Essek's books suggested, but it was far too cold out, even though the light smattering of snow which covered the ground when they first arrived quickly melted away, or started to. Yasha gathered and cut up firewood with the axe that had been meant for his neck, and Caleb set fire to it with a snap of his fingers. Essek perched on an overturned tree trunk and waited patiently for his turn with the healer.

The firbolg made soup for the Nein, offered him some. He accepted. Let the warmth fill him up. Closed his eyes. There were millions of stars overheard, sometimes peering out from the canopy of trees, but different to the ones back home. These were real, and moved, as did the larger of their two moons. You could tell the seasons by them, according to Caleb, and time of day. He loved listening to Caleb talk about the motion of planets and stars, could have sunk his head onto his shoulder or his lap and listened to him talk about them all night, in another life.

Caleb sat down beside him with his own bowl of soup. Frumpkin leapt onto the log as well, started nuzzling the back of Essek's hand, demanding affection. He had taken his mantle off so that Caduceus could apply a bandage around his upper arm and stop the bleeding, but he still had it loosely draped over him for warmth.

"Don't bother him!" Caleb chided his familiar, as Essek ran a hand over Frumpkin's head and down his spine, making him purr.

"I don't mind. Cats are a rarity in Xhorhas, but... I can tell he is a noble beast. Aren't you, _My'shron?" My pretty one.  
_

 _"Did you hear that, he likes cats!"_ Nott exclaimed in a high-pitched whisper, tugging on Jester's sleeve excitedly.

_"Everyone likes cats! Except Fjord. Just ask him if he wants to sleep with Caleb. He keeps making eyes at him," she replied._

_"You can't just go up and ask people if they want to have sex with someone! You have to be tactful! Subtle! It's an art!"  
_

They were 'whispering' very loudly, from the other side of the bonfire. Essek shook his head. Nott and Jester were many things, but none of them subtle. Caleb had gone bright red again. Even his ears were red. If Essek didn't have darkvision, he might not have noticed him blushing, but he did. He pretended not to.

"That was a good trick back there. The way you lined them up, and I knocked them down. We make a good team," Caleb said, before pausing to have another mouthful of soup. Essek nodded, kept stroking Frumpkin. It was strangely comforting. Peaceful. "We should do this more often."

"What, get ambushed?"

More blushing. It was endearing. He was... endearing.

"No, no, I meant... working together... you said you had ideas? For spells, or experiments?"

Caduceus came over to check on Essek and re-apply his bandages, all smiles and a mellifulous voice, before he could answer.

"These are healing up nicely," the firbolg insisted. "You'll be good as new in a day or two!" He lightly patted Essek on the back, where he was still a little sore, but he gave a curt nod and gritted his teeth, trying not to wince.

"Thank you, Caduceus."

"I _did_ hurt you," Caleb observed, pointing to Essek's shoulder. He had noticed him wince. Even Caduceus had let it slide, but Caleb noticed, with his eagle eyes. "I'm sorry, but they were all aiming at you. I was afraid one of those archers was going to kill you."

"It's nothing. Finish your soup before it goes cold."

"Not a problem," Caleb unwove one half-gloved hand from the dish, which shone bright red with tendrils of fire magic. Essek smiled approvingly. "Do you need another healing potion?"

"I'm fine, Caleb. Really. It's sweet of you to worry, but I think I will survive a few bruises. If it weren't for you, I'd be dead."

"If it weren't for me, you wouldn't be here," Caleb countered. Essek met his gaze, held it. That was an interesting choice of words. Anyone else would have included the Nein, they were the reason Caleb was here, to help Caduceus with his quest, but Caleb had to make it personal, had to blame himself. This was becoming a dangerous trend.

"No. _Stop_. I won't allow you to blame yourself for this. I _chose_ to come here. I _chose_ to help you and your friends. I _chose_ not to disguise myself before entering disputed territory. Out of a million potential timelines, I _chose_ this one. You cannot blame yourself for everything that goes wrong in this world."

He had stopped petting Frumpkin, who meowed sadly. After saying all that, he felt ridiculous petting him more, so instead he picked up Frumpkin and moved to his feet, jutting the cat towards Caleb with both hands.

"Here, take your cat. You need him more than I do."

Caleb couldn't help but smile, Essek looked so pathetic holding out his cat, mantle lying in the grass next to an overturned cup of soup. He looked almost like a real person, and not the Shadowhand of Leylas Krynn, without it. Caleb set down his soup, rose to his feet, and took Frumpkin from Essek, then wound him up in his arms. 

"His name's Frumpkin," he said, scritching under his neck and just behind the ear, until he purred contentedly, then set him back down on the log, before returning his attention to the drow before him. "Thank you."

Essek gave a formal bow of his head and tried to turn away, but before he could, Caleb's hand was on his arm again. He froze.

"For everything. For helping with that spell. For defending us in court. For fighting with us. For _trusting_ us, when you had every reason not to."

He was going to say _'of course,_ ' and tell him it was nothing, like he always did, but that would have been a lie, and he did not want to lie anymore.

"If there is anything else you require, anything I can do... I am sorry the spell did not cure your friend, but I will do what research I can, see if there is a way..."

"I appreciate all you have done for us already, I won't ask for more... but know if you need anything, we are never far away. Rosohna is our home now, too. Only send, and I will come to you."

"Thank you, Caleb."

"I know what it is, to feel alone in the world, and to tell yourself it is better that way, but... we are your friends, now. Remember that. We care for you. _I_ care for you. And no matter what happens with your den, or the Dynasty, or the war... you will always be welcome in Den Nein."

Essek blinked a few times, still adjusting. Still trying to wrap his head around Caleb's words, that seemed to shift about the air like embers from the bonfire. _Only send and I will come for you,_ had sounded like an invitation, a way out. _I care for you,_ had sounded like a confession. _Is that what friends say?_ Maybe. This was new for him, having friends. He was not altogether sure where the line was drawn, where friendship becomes something else. It would be easier if Caleb weren't so kind, and so willing to listen. If he weren't so full of magic it burnt him up like a star. Like a beacon. If it didn't make him _glow._

"I am glad we are friends."

"So am I."

"Are you guys done making out?!" Jester called, from where she was standing on the other side of the bonfire, arms weaved tightly around herself to keep warm. "It's cold out here! We need our hut!"

Essek's eyes darted back to the ground and Caleb went a few shades redder, but neither immediately moved. They were at a standoff.

"In a moment, Jester!" He called, before turning back to Essek and lowering his voice. "My life wasn't worth living before I found the Nein. They have been so good to me, better than I deserve, but... even they struggle to understand what I am trying to do, what I am after, whenever I talk about magic, or wanting to bend reality to my will. Sometimes I'd wonder if I was the only person in Exandria who felt this way!" He was looking at his feet, now. Essek nodded, to show he was listening and understood, whenever Caleb's eyes briefly darted up from the ground. "And then I met you."

Essek felt his throat go dry, the same fondness welling up inside him as he felt when Caleb first tried to speak to him like this, to pull him aside from the others, to find some connection. A way in. A bridge.

 _Is this really happening?_ Essek could not help but wonder. He had spent far too much time, daydreaming about how this conversation might go, who would be the first to say...

"Would you like me to teach you find familiar?"

Essek tried, but failed, to hide his dismay. 

"Oh, I don’t know…" He looked down at Frumpkin, who was weaving his way around his boots. "Binding a living being to this plane in my service sounds like… quite the undertaking."

Caleb smiled back, warmly. A light shining in his eyes which threatened to blind him.

"What is life without a little danger?" 

Essek allowed himself a small smile in return, warmth rising to his face. "True."

He would need a full rest before he could teleport back to Rosohna, so he agreed to remain with the Nein for the rest of the night, even offering to take the first watch. He was paired with Fjord, who tried but failed to make small talk for the first ten minutes, but Essek was much too tired to string together complete sentences. When Yasha and Caduceus came to relieve them, Fjord was the first in the hut, and out like a light. Essek warily entered after him, picking his way over sleeping adventurers. It was rather cramped, even without the two largest members of the group. He tried to find a gap between their sleeping bodies where he could lie down without touching the others but his search proved futile. He eventually settled for a place at the outermost edge, where he curled his arms around himself and tried ever so hard to avoid touching the others, although they took no such pains with one another.

"You don't look very comfortable. Come, it's warmer by me, and I have Frumpkin." Caleb's voice broke through the silence, gentle, low. Essek opened his eyes, turned over, saw Caleb waving at him. He carefully picked his way across a sleeping Jester, Nott, Fjord, and Beau to Caleb's side. He had been using his pack as a pillow. Frumpkin was curled up besides it in a perfect circle, fast asleep. "You can share my bedroll," he insisted, flattening it out under hand before moving aside to give Essek room.

He hesitantly dropped to his knees besides Caleb, borrowing a corner of his bedroll. 

"Thank you," he murmurred quietly, putting his hands under his head as he turned over, his back to Caleb, still shivering a little without his mantle. It was warmer in the hut than outside, and they were protected from wildlife and the elements, but he was still unused to sleeping on the hard ground, and the flimsy bedroll afforded little comfort.

"You can come closer," Caleb insisted, extending an arm. Essek turned onto his back and looked him up and down, unsure. "I don't bite, I promise."

Essek very slowly edged closer. Caleb hooked an arm around his shoulder and brought him in, so their clothed bodies were pressed flush against one another. He was... warm. Very warm. Were all humans so warm?

"Is this alright?" Caleb asked.

Essek nodded, unable to find the words to describe how _'alright'_ this was. He blinked a few times, remembering they were not alone, but surrounded by friends, and allowed himself to lower his guard, resting a hand on the human's chest while the other wove loosely around his side and he curled up against him like a cat clinging to a radiator. He had never been so close to Caleb before, but it was dark, and no one was looking. 

He wondered if they all did this at night, were all so casually and easily intimate with one another, if their arduous lifestyles did not necessitate such disregard for the propriety Essek had been spoonfed. In the Dynasty it seemed as if everyone was kept at a distance, even family, even lovers. But it felt like mercy, like kindness, when Caleb wove his arms around him, and if this was friendship... he never wanted it to end.

Slipping into a trance was easy because he was already exhausted, but waking felt like being struck by a hammer. He was not used to trancing anywhere besides home, least of all on the hard ground, and it had been a very long time since he had woken up in someone else’s arms. They had fallen asleep innocently enough, but in his sleep Caleb had tightened his hold on Essek, and somehow they had gotten tangled up. It did not escape Essek’s notice that Caleb was smiling serenely in his sleep, and that his company was not... entirely unappreciated. As much as he disliked the thought of leaving Caleb, he knew how embarassing it would be for him to wake like this. Essek pulled away, trying to detangle himself from the redheaded wizard without waking him.

As he waited for the others to stir so he could say his goodbyes, Essek sat by his pack and ran a hand over Frumpkin's striped head, scritching behind his ear. He meowed, but Essek brought a finger to his lips before pointing to his sleeping master, and Frumpkin went quiet. It was only when he tried to move away that Frumpkin started meowing again, much louder than before.

 _"Traitor!"_ He whispered in Undercommon, glaring at the fey cat, before glancing towards Caleb, who was thankfully still sleeping soundly. His gaze rested a little too long on the sleeping human, studying the soft rise and fall of his chest, the light smattering of ginger stubble across his sharp jaw, full lips, parted, alluringly. A mess of red hair, grown out now, and no longer hemmed in by a ribbon. If they _were_ alone, perhaps, it would be okay to let his thoughts stray, but they were not, and he felt in danger of succumbing to desire completely, and doing something stupid and impulsive, like worming his way back into his arms. He raised his hands to his face, pulled at his hair. "I am such a liar," he murmurred, outloud, before he could stop himself.

Beau jolted awake and upright, instantly reaching for her staff (it was always kept within reach). Essek tensed, eyes widening, silver shining from out of black sclera like two stars in the dim light of dawn.

"What. Wait, _what?!_ Are you going to murder us all in our sleep?!" She asked, eyes meeting Essek's, before darting around them to take stock of her sleeping friends. They were right where she left them.

"What? Don’t be ridiculous," Essek hissed, offended that she could even suggest such a thing. He would sooner die than risk harming them.

Beau set down her staff and sat crosslegged on the end of her bedroll, looking Essek up and down.

"Then why are you tearing your hair out?" She asked, pointing to his mussed hair. "What did you lie about?"

He could lie to her, deny he had said anything... but they were friends, now, weren't they? He might as well try honesty.

"I told him I liked danger, but... I am scared of everything! I am scared of this jungle, and the wilds, and the ghostlands, and dragons, a-and... _all of it,_ everything outside of my lab! I had the perfect opportunity to tell him everything, and... and I ruined it, because I was too afraid he'd laugh in my face, because I ruin everything..."

Beau grabbed his arm to try and calm him down. She could tell he was losing it. She had never seen him like this before, but she had seen _Caleb_ like this. They had more in common than either of them knew.

"Hold up! What is this really about?" She asked, her gaze like steel, but voice level, calm. She was an Expositor, now; he shouldn't be surprised she asked so many questions. She cared about her friends, worried for their safety. He could not hold that against her—he worried about them, too.

"Your wizard, Caleb. You know I care for him?"

She smiled, shook her head. "Yeah, I… I kinda noticed. Hard not to, what with all the… the staring, and the weird… wizard… flirting... I mean, _come on! 'I want to dive deep into your ocean!’_ Who says that!"

"I never said that."

"Well, you’re not subtle."

"He doesn’t seem to notice."

Beau's turn to raise a brow and look skeptical.

"Essek, he had his arm around you all night! He held your hand so you wouldn't get sunburned! He let you borrow his _cat!_ What more evidence do you need he wants to kiss your stupid perfect feet?!"

She let go of his arm and he pulled away, disoriented. He didn't read anything significant in Caleb lending him his familiar, and even his offer last night did not seem... unprecedented, with the way the rest of the Nein slept in that hut, all tangled up with one another, a pile of arms and legs and tails.

"Oh. Huh." His ears flitted forward.

Beau shook her head, clambering up off the ground with an exasperated sigh.

"So are you two idiots going to make out already or what? I’ll give you a head start."

She moved past Essek over to Caleb's side, and pawed at his shoulder with a heavy hand before Essek could stop her.

"Wait, no, _Beauregard!"_ Essek yelped, eyes going wide, but it was already too late.

Caleb stirred awake slowly. "Hmph. _Was ist das?"_ He reached out for Essek, only to find his arms empty. Confusion gave way to panic. His eyes flew open and he scrambled upright, only to find Beau crouching over him.

"He’s over there," she said with a yawn, pointing in Essek's direction. "Waiting for you."

The dark elf smiled meekly and waved when Caleb looked his way, following her line of sight.

"Oh. Hello. I’m sorry about last night," Caleb said, bolting off the ground and onto his feet. Essek followed suit. So did Beau.

"Don’t apologise. It was the best trance I have had in… some time. Fire really is your element. You're so very… warm."

A smile. Caleb looks down, flustered, at his hands. Behind him, Beau snickers.

"Something amiss, Expositor?" Essek asks.

Caleb pressed forward to lightly touch Essek's shoulder. "Come, you’ll be wanting to get home, I’m sure," he says, leading Essek towards the exit, and away from the pile of sleeping adventurers.

"What I want is unimportant," Essek replies without thinking.

It's enough to stop Caleb in his tracks. "Pardon?"

Essek shakes his head, and Caleb, realising he is still touching Essek, pulls his hand away, steps back.

"I look forward to learning that spell you spoke of. Maybe you can show me next time you’re in Rosohna?"

"You know you’re always welcome to stay with us!" Jester pipes up, blinking sleep from her wide violet eyes. Nott was still sleeping horizontal across her legs, keeping her grounded while she sits propped up by her elbows.

Essek looks to Caleb for help before responding. "I wish I could, but I am needed in Rosohna..."

"You’re not even going to stay for breakfast?!" Beau asks, from where she stands behind Caleb, miming crudely in a manner that has Jester laughing uproariously and holding her sides.

Essek glares daggers at her and responds curtly: "…No. No, thank you," before turning back to Caleb. "I had better go, but please visit soon. I have a few experiments of my own which might interest you, if you'd care to see them?"

"I look forward to seeing them. Soon."

 _"Soon_. Of course. Until we meet again," Essek replied, earning another smile from Caleb, but this time it makes the drow frown.

There was no talking to him now. His friends, his _real_ friends, surrounded him. Essek bowed and waved goodbye to the others before setting down with blue chalk and stepping through the circle which would take him back to Roshona, back to his tower. It didn't feel the same without them, though. He wondered if it ever would.

☆☆☆

_"I heard you've fallen for a human,"_ Misan teased. He could still hear her voice in his head. Courtiers spread rumours about his fondness for the Nein, but they wouldn't be so bold as to make such accusations to his face. He had been too quick to defend them. It looked suspicious. Either he was a traitor himself, or he was in bed with one of them. He heard the names. Every whisper in the Lucid Bastion eventually found its way back to him. The price of being Shadowhand. At least his denmates had the decency to tell him he was a fool to his face. So did his Queen.

"You care for them, don't you?" The Bright Queen said, looking him over evenly, after he had finished his weekly report.

He did not have to ask who _'they'_ were.

"They are my wards."

She nodded, looking sombre.

"You should never have gotten so close. You'll only get yourself hurt. Even if they aren't traitors, they won't stay in the Dynasty forever."

She had never interfered, before, in his private life. Not that he had much of a 'private life' before the Nein showed up, unless you counted his research. So much was expected of him, as the Shadowhand, and the prodigal son of an umavi. He wondered if Leylas would not be impressed for a single moment before ordering his execution that he managed to get away with it for this long, that this nothing drow, so young and untested, could pull the wool over her eyes for three years, and uncover the truth about the Beacons, and their 'illustrious' Luxon.

"Why would they leave?" He asked, feigning innocence. 

"What reason would they have to stay, once there is no more war?" She asked, raising her chin. The light reflected the opals in her headpiece, which shimmer magnificently.

Essek was not sure how to refute her. What reason _did_ they have for staying, if there was no longer a war? The Dynasty had given them a home, but a home where they were spied on, constantly. Where they were threatened, and treated with suspicion, whenever they left their house. Did he really think they would stay for him? Because they had called him a friend? Because Caleb claimed to 'care' for him? If he was _very_ lucky they would still visit, occassionally, once all this was over. He didn't feel particularly lucky.

"Your mother would be disappointed if she knew you've been teaching the human dunamancy against my wishes." Essek tensed, but said nothing. The Queen adjusted her headpiece and hair in the reflection of a glass pane, avoiding his eye. She did not sound angry, only... disappointed. "My scryers saw you together, going over spells. Perhaps I should be thankful that is all they saw."

Essek forced a nervous smile, spread out his hands in supplication. _He_ was certainly thankful that was all they saw. They could have so easily scryed on him while he was talking to Ludinus or DeRogna.

"My Queen, I assure you..."

She raised a hand. He immediately went silent. Then she beckoned him closer, and he drifted forward.

"Don't insult my intelligence by lying to me. I'm not angry. I know, perhaps better than your mother, the follies of youth."

She extended a hand to the side of his face, gently raised his chin so he was facing her, with the tenderness of a mother.

"You are young, Essek, and so wise for your years that I sometimes forget you are in your first life. You have never been in love before, have you?"

He had bigger things on his plate right now than Caleb Widogast, but... perhaps if he confided one secret in his Queen, she would not think to look for others. He lowered his eyes with what he hoped looked like humility.

"No, my Queen."

"Your mother should really be the one telling you this, but... I know she is not a sentimental woman, and you have often been like a son to me, so let me be the one to teach you this lesson: he is not worth your tears. If he truly loved you, then you wouldn't need to buy his affection with spells and gifts. You have done more than enough for him already. Don't let your weakness for him blind you to your duty. For people such as us... the Dynasty must always come first."

She was right, of course. He was only welcome among the Nein for as long as he was useful to them. He was not really their friend; he was their steward. Caleb was only interested in him because he wanted more spells. He liked it that way. It was... familiar. He could handle Caleb, satisfy his lust for more magic. He could keep a safe distance, so long as he knew that was all the human was after. If he 'truly loved' him, well... that would be another matter entirely. That would mean that, sooner or later, Essek would have to confront his own feelings, and acknowledge they could never be together, because that would mean lying to Caleb for the rest of their lives, or coming clean, and losing him forever. He could not decide which alternative was worse. One thing _was_ certain: if he had to choose between 'his duty to the Dynasty' and the Mighty Nein... he would always choose the Mighty Nein.

☆☆☆

_[[ Oh my god, Essek, we've missed you so much! Especially Caleb! ]]_

Essek woke from his trance with a jolt, looked about the bedroom wide eyed, before realising it was just Jester.

 _[[ I think he likes you! ]]_ she sang, and even though she was just a disembodied voice in his head, he could tell she was leering. _[[ He's gone all red! All I had to do was say your name! ]]_

He groaned as his head crashed back against his pillow, covering his face with his hands. "Just get to the point, please, Jester."

_[[ We're coming back in two days! Caleb said you could arrange a meeting with the Bright Queen? We know she's a pretty busy lady. ]]  
_

He grimaced. "I will see what I can do." A long pause. "I am glad to hear you are all safe. Take care."

With a sigh he closed his eyes, turned over onto his side, and tried to slip back into his trance, picking up where he left off.

_[[ Good-night Essek! Sweet dreams! Caleb says he loves you very much! ]]_

He decided not to dignify that remark with a reply. He knew that wasn't true. But it still upset him how much he wanted it to be true, how much he wanted to know he could mean anything to someone beyond what he could offer as a mage. No, not _someone_. _Caleb._ It was always Caleb. Since they'd met, he never dreamed of anyone else. Never looked at anyone else. He had gone so long without friends, without love, without warmth, that he had gotten used to the cold. Physical beauty alone wasn't enough to fill him with desire, but that voracious spark of curiosity he had seen in Caleb's eyes? Observed, in the way he devoured spells, and spoke of magic, with such passion? It was irresistable.

_So why resist?_

Caleb was talented, beautiful, clever... and he offered him an escape, a way out of the labyrinth in which he spent his days. A cure for loneliness, with deep blue eyes, and strong, yet gentle, hands, and hair like copper.

He thumbed through a few pages of the book on his bedside table, knowing he would not be able to trance for the rest of the night. Absent-mindedly he reached for a fine scrap of copper wire, also on his bedside table, in case of emergencies. Which this wasn't. And he shouldn't. But he already knew he was awake.

_[[ Caleb? I have some new spells to show you. Please come by when you have time. ]]_

That seemed... safe. He had spells to show him. He always had more spells to show him. He didn't respond immediately. But he did respond.

_[[ The night after tomorrow we will be back in Rosohna. I'd like to see you again. Our mission went well. Don't listen to Jester, please. ]]_

He ran his tongue along the edge of his teeth, thoughtful. He put down his book and got out of bed, looked for his spellbook, decided to mark off which one's he'd show him next.

It was late. It really wasn't worth wasting another spellslot to send another message. But he was going to waste another spellslot, because it was Caleb, and he'd said _yes._

_[[ It's time magic. Your favourite. See you then. ]]_

☆☆☆

It was storming and cold outside, wind beat against the windows and lightning cut through the room in bright flashes, but it was warm inside, at the table, their chairs pressed close together, with candles illuminating their work, in close proximity to a lit fireplace. Caleb had shed his coat, and Essek, his mantle, and all regard for personal space went with it. All Essek wanted was to get closer to Caleb. He felt like a moth, circling a flame.

Caleb asked him to explain some runes in his spellbook. All of Essek's notes were in Undercommon. Usually, Caleb cast Comprehend Languages, but tonight, he waited for Essek to explain. He was a good listener, even if his eyes sometimes wondered to his lips, his teeth, the bop of his neck as he spoke. He still wasn't used to seeing Essek without his mantle, and Essek could not pretend a part of him, which was excessively vain, did not enjoy the way he looked at him. He brushed his hand over Caleb's, which held the quill, and he tensed, startled out of some dream.

"May I?" He asked, indicating the book. He helped guide Caleb's hand in the familiar shape of the next rune, which he knew by heart.

"Have you ever been in love?" Caleb asked, unprovoked. Essek tilted his head to one sides, eyes darting up to meet his. Up until now, all they had spoken of was magic and history and the Nein's adventures, which always sounded like something out of a novel.

"Why do you ask?"

His eyes darted away. Essek's hand was still covering his, still holding the quill steady.

"I know it's none of my business, but... you have such a beautiful home, and an illustrious position, and are so..." Caleb seemed to be struggling to find the right epithet. " _Charming,_ and intelligent, it seems strange you should live alone, unless... it's by choice."

"You think it's by choice?" Essek asked, arching a brow.

"It must be!"

"It can't simply be because I haven't met the right man?"

"Any man would be lucky to have you."

"What if I don't want just 'any man'?" Essek responded, evenly, now staring intently at Caleb, who cleared his throat, averted his gaze. "I don't have anything in common with the people here. I don't care about the Luxon or Den politics or festivals and traditions. This is... an unpardonable offense, among my people." He removed his hand from Caleb's, but the damage was already done. He was looking at him now as if he were a ghost. 

"Essek... is that why you fought with your father?" 

The elf sighed. They were having such a nice lesson. The last thing he wanted to think of, now, was his father.

"We were always fighting. Nothing I did could ever please him, so I got fed up with trying. Every decision I made was always the wrong one." He ran a hand through his hair, trying to still his temper, but he could feel it rising like bile. Then he felt something brush across his cheek, and opened his eyes to see it was Caleb, reaching out to touch the side of his face, the soft hair at the side of his head, where it had been shaven close. Essek felt tempted to tilt his head, to kiss his palm, or his arm, where his sleeves had been rolled up to the elbow, then spill into his lap and take his face in his hands, and kiss him senseless, so he couldn't ask any more questions... 

"Did you cut your hair when he died?" He asked.

"Before. I don't go in for... useless, symbolic rituals, like binding and braiding hair to show status. Never saw the point. It got in the way of my experiments, so I cut it myself. He nearly had my ears. Said I'd never get married, now. No one would want me. I'd never be taken seriously in Court."

"It looks beautiful," Caleb insisted, smiling as he combed his hand through Essek's hair, before drawing it away. Essek parted his mouth slightly, had to resist the urge to lean into his touch, although he wanted to. How desperately, cloyingly, he wanted to. Then Caleb raised his hand to lift Essek's chin. "You look beautiful." He murmurred something under his breath. It sounded almost like: _'I'd want you,'_ but that couldn't be right.

"What was that?" He asked, craning his head slightly.

"I've missed you."

"I missed you, too." Essek replied, swallowing hard. He still wasn't used to being so close to Caleb. He didn't know what to do with his hands, or how to make his heart stop beating uneven.

But he liked this, liked their lessons. Caleb was the closest thing he had ever had to a peer; an equal. There was so much they could teach one another, so much they could accomplish... Halas' notes, and that transmogrification spell, was just the beginning. No one else understood how much Essek needed magic like water, like air. 

And he had called him _friend_. _Twice_. If Essek kissed him now, it would spoil everything, wouldn't it? There'd be no more lessons, no more experiments. No more friends with shovels digging up his backgarden. No more Caleb. He couldn't risk that. But it wasn't fair, when Caleb leaned in so close. When he wouldn't stop touching him. When he smelled like the sands and sea and spices of Nicodranas, and he narrowed his eyes with a wild and hungry look and wet his lips and Essek mistook fondness for something primal, wanton.

"I'm so grateful for our lessons. It would have been so easy for things to play out differently, for our paths never to cross, if we hadn't found that Beacon, if we never came to the Dynasty, looking for Yeza... there must exist so many timelines where none of this ever happened." 

He was probably right. There must have been hundreds of timelines where they never met, or if they did, it was on opposite ends of a battlefield. There was probably a timeline where Essek had been forced to end Caleb's life, without ever knowing in another life he would come to love him, and his foolish, loud friends. There was probably a timeline where Caleb was asked to end his before they had even exchanged a single word.

 _Why have I been following the wrong people and fighting for the wrong things all this time?_ It's not as if he _stopped_ caring about his research, he knew it was _important,_ he knew someone had to find out the truth about those beacons, and it might as well be him; he wouldn't abuse the power that knowledge gave him, he wouldn't use that knowledge to harm others... but could he trust the Assembly, if they were as bad as Caleb said? If they were truly using the beacons _he_ brought them, to secretly build... what, weapons?

"Caleb... it is useless dwelling on lost timelines. We should focus on the time we have, now. It's so rare I have you all to myself," he said with a soft smile. Slowly, tentatively, Caleb began to mirror his smile, watching his lips like a bird learning how to fly. How similar they were, Essek thought, yet how different, as he felt another twinge in his stomach, the agony of love. If he had Caleb's heart, his compassion, he would never have gotten as far as he had, never become Shadowhand, never won the respect of his Den, never outstripped his peers to become the foremost graviturgist in Rosohna. Even his mistakes, detrimental as they were, had proven necessary, to bring him to this moment.

 _Destiny is cruel,_ he thinks when Caleb eyes catch his, shining with the only fire that could melt his heart of ice. _If I had never stolen those beacons, we would never have met._ _But because I stole those beacons, we could never be together._ _Either I must go on lying, or I can tell him the truth, and risk losing him forever. Either way, I'll be miserable, and a villain, and he is better off without me._

Caleb reached across the table, without looking, to dip his quill in the inkwell. His hand brushing past Essek's, and he stirred, knocking it over, so it spilled out onto the floor, and onto his clothes, staining them. He apologised, in a rush to pick them up, to stop any more ink bleeding out onto the floor, and Essek hushed him, performing a quick prestidigitation with the snap of his fingers—but the irony of Caleb apologising for something as innocent, as harmless, as spilling a little ink, when Essek was preoccupied with thoughts of all the blood spilled in his name, in the name of two missing Beacons... did not escape him. 

"You have nothing to apologise for, Caleb," he insisted, gently.

"I would disagree. I know we are friends, now, but... there was a time when I doubted you. When we all doubted you. But you never deserved our doubt. I'm so sorry I was too... frightened, or paranoid, to trust you sooner."

"Caleb, I really..."

"Our former housekeeper, Dairon, is an Expositor for the Cobalt Soul."

"Your housekeeper?" A moment of silence. "Why are you telling me this now?"

"They knew there was a traitor in the heart of the Dynasty, and... there was a time when we thought it might be you."

 _"Suspect everyone,"_ Essek echoed Nott's maxim, nodding slowly, eyes falling to the floor. "Yes, I remember. I don't blame you."

Essek turned his attention back to the books opened before them. He didn't want to have to lie to him. Again, Caleb reached for Essek. Why wouldn't he _stop_ reaching for him? It just made the pain in his stomach so much worse. He covered Essek's hand with his own.

"You're one of us. I see that now. I wish I had seen it sooner. I feel like... we've wasted so much time," he remarked in a small voice, with so much tenderness that Essek felt his heart threaten to break. "Which could have been spent crafting spells. Changing the world. Making history. This..." he gestured down at the opened spellbook, between them, "would not have been possible without you, my friend. You have shown me how to disrupt the very fabric of time itself... trust me when I say I do not take this gift lightly."

Essek nodded, silently, at a loss for words. How dangerous would it be, he wondered, to tell him now? To come clean? To confess everything? _You were right. I have betrayed my country; my Queen. But never you, or your friends; I would never betray you. I love you so much more than I have ever loved anything on this godforsaken little planet._ And he would kiss him, like the thief he was, and before he had even opened his eyes, he'd be clapped in irons and dragged off to some filthy prison cell, where he would be readied for execution. And it was all he deserved, all he deserved, for stealing kisses, for giving away spells, for committing treason for the sake of some _theory_ he could neither prove nor disprove, and probably wasn't a heartbeat closer to solving. He never wanted a war. He never wanted Caleb and his friends to walk into his life, only to show him how lonely and empty it had been, without them. He never asked for any of this. And now he has on the verge of tears, because Caleb was smiling at him so sweetly, and it felt like a knife was turning inside of him, and he had no one to blame but himself.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello lads, welcome to the ep. 97 chapter! There are a few direct quotes, but afterwards it breaks with canon because someone needs to give Essek the redemption arc he deserves, and I no longer trust the cast. Hope you're all having a lovely start to Essek week, and keeping sane in quarantine.
> 
> _P.S. I started writing this fic after 92, got incredibly busy, and then 97 happened, I had to write this chapter, and then attempt to Dr Frankenstein it into the pre-existing narrative so there may be... a few inconsistencies with the first chapter, but hopefully they aren't too blaring, my intentions were noble and just. (I think wizards should kiss more often and seek revenge.)_

It started when he walked into the throne room, bound in leathers, like a slave, and caked in mud and earth. Everyone else was looking at Lady Olias, resplendent as ever in a flowing gown, head held high, or Lytheer at her side, or the more... ostentatious of their number, the towering firbolg, the unusually small orc, or the blue tiefling, who strode forward towards the Bright Queen, and gave little attention to their fettered attendants, who kept their heads down, as rare as humans were in the Dynasty. But Essek was the Shadowhand; it was his job to notice what passed unseen. His eye was immediately drawn to this human, even before he was so bold as to raise his head, and walk out before his group, holding aloft the very beacon _he_ had stolen. 

_Caleb Widogast._ A mage who is 'no friend of the Empire,' although he was born there. Essek supressed a smile. He could relate. He knew he had go get close to them, by any means necessary, to learn how much they knew, and what brought them here. He was charged with escorting them to the Dungeon of Penance and being their steward. _Perfect._ He could keep an eye on them this way. He could keep them close. See where their loyalties truly lied. See if they posed any threat. He was as polite and hospitable as he could be. He even smiled once or twice. It did not escape his notice that Caleb smiled back. That his hair was burnt red, and shone divinely in the moonlight. That his deep blue eyes seldom left him. _He doesn't trust me,_ he told himself. _Good. He shouldn't._

When the goblin threatened to kill him, he laughed it off. _"I'd like to see you try."_ He showed them their halfling, who had been working with the Assembly under duress, aiding in their research into the beacons. Research made possible by _his_ actions, but which had been kept from him. He had a personal stake in this interrogation, but had learned nothing yet. As soon as his friends entered his cell, words flowed from him. _You catch more flies with honey, it seems._ Vess DeRogna is mentioned. Their silent partner. He should have guessed. It does not escape his notice the human recognises this name, too. That he seems to know something of the Assembly. He decided to take a special interest in the Zemnian wizard. His 'special interest' seemed, after their walk to the Dim's Inn, to be... reciprocated. He wanted to keep in touch. He wanted _secrets._ He shared Essek's appetite for knowledge. How could he deny him? So he gave him a few basic spells, when he asked, just to see what would happen.

Caleb used them to help his friends, precisely as he said he would. He used them to help his friends survive as they passed through the Barbed Fields to Bazzoxan, where his brother was stationed; where his father had perished. His friends were like a Den to him. Every moment Essek tried to steal alone with him was rudely interrupted by his friends, but that did not stop him from trying. The fact he could not scry on this mage only picqued his curiousity, made him try all the harder to see him alone. He liked this mage more than he should. They both loved books, and magic, and could enjoy, while they studied, each other's company in contemplative silence. It seemed strange how such a quiet, introspective man should find his way into such a loud and outgoing collection of friends, but it was clear he loved them very much, and his loyalty was to _them,_ not the Empire, or the Dynasty. It was clear that, as much as Caleb loved magic—he would always love his friends more.

The day he counted Essek among them was... strange. Essek had just killed a Scourger for him. He was still reeling. By all rights, Caleb should have been reeling, too, he was the one the Scourger had attacked and nearly killed! But he seemed strangely... calm, once they returned to his study, and returned to their books, and returned to magic, he seemed... at peace. Caduceus had healed the gash where the knife had pierced his neck, but there was still traces of blood on his nice new coat and wool scarf. He paid the bloodstains no mind. He was used to them. Essek could not help but notice, could not help staring at his neck, where he had seen the blood pool, and thinking of how desperately close he had come to losing him for good. And he had called him a 'friend.' His gaze danced to his lips, studied them, thoughtfully. He was new to friendship. He wondered what the perimetres were.

He couldn't stop thinking of him in ways he shouldn't. Of crossing an unspoken line. But there were rules. He had already broken the first one. He had already grown... attached, to these mercenaries, far more attached than he should be. He could not help his attraction to Caleb, that was purely a matter of biology, but he could not afford to act on it. And he could not afford to let Caleb, or his friends, to know of his 'weakness' for him. _That_ he could control. Or, at least, he thought he could. He had made it this far without ever caving into his desires, so why should he start now? But Caleb caught on. He must have caught on, because he kept using his feelings against him. He pretended not to hear Jester goading Caleb to kiss him in the Lotus Den for another teleport. He pretended not to mind when he reached out to take his arm, and look deep into his eyes, a hand on his heart, looking so... plaintive, when he asked for another teleport, anyway. He pretended his world wasn't thrown off course, when he hugged him and Nott in his excitement, after completing _their_ spell— _he had even called it their spell!_ He pretended his offer of sympathy, outside his home half past midnight, was not a light in so much darkness.

And now he had to pretend, when Caleb strode into the room in evening dress, that his heart did not skip a beat, that he did not hold his breath, that Caleb was not the most beautiful thing he had ever seen, that he would not lay down his very life if it meant he would smile, again, like he did only a few days ago, on the stairs, when he raised his eyes to meet Essek's, so proud and pleased that their spell had, seemingly, succeeded. He wished he could sink through the floor where he stood. It was so senseless going to this party in the first place, keeping up this facade.

"Good evening, Lord Thane. Glad you could come. How are you holding up?" Ludinus Da'leth asked as he scanned the room, taking stock of the guests. Committing to memory names, faces, allegiances. Playing chess with lives.

"Well enough. Considering." A sigh. "I cannot understand why you insisted on my coming to this party if it were not to torment me. You didn't have to invite them," Essek replied, edging closer. Far closer than he would ever like to be to the Martinet, but he feared being overheard more than he feared the Martinet. Who knew what assassins or spies might be lurking in a spider's den like this?

"I'd have thought you would have thanked me for helping give credence to your fiction. Why wouldn't a noble lord of Nicodranas, accompanying me to the peace talks, be attending the most prestigious party of the season?"

"You know how difficult this is for me," the drow muttered between gritted teeth, eyes lifting to catch Caleb's across the hall. Essek tried his best to force a smile. Caleb frowned and looked away. _Good start, Essek.  
_

It did not escape Ludinus' notice who had caught Essek's eye. It had not escaped his notice which member of the Nein had made him so nervous and clumsy on the _Wind of Eons_. He had thought the drow a machine, so shortsighted he had no time for anything beyond his precious research, but... he was young. He sighed, clicked his tongue.

"You surprise me, Lord Desren. I was led to believe you didn't have a heart... but it seems you've lost it to their failed Vollstrecker."

"I am glad he failed. He is too good for you," Essek snapped, scowling. There was no use denying his accusation now, he had seen him lose all composure the moment Caleb and his friends approached their ship. There was no hiding that he cared for them, and... why should he? He wasn't ashamed of having a heart. He just wished it hadn't taken him so long to find out.

"You should have seen him in the Asylum! What a change." Ludinus spared a passing glance in Caleb's direction, taking in his elegant dresscoat, black with fine red and gold embroidery, his well coiffured hair, which had grown long and been tied back neatly with a red ribbon. "He does clean up well, I will concede, but it is a front. He has lost his nerve. He is not what he was, what he could have been."

_No. He's so much better._

"What Asylum?"

Ludinus turned to Essek, still holding his glass in one hand, with a look of surprise.

"You mean you don't know? He never told you?! How interesting!" He observed with a cruel smile.

"Who put him in an Asylum?!" Essek asked, dangerously close to losing hold of his temper.

"Careful! Your fangs are showing," Ludinus chided. Essek pulled back.

"I should have known..." he said, mostly to himself, bringing a hand up to his temples. 

"What do you two really know about each other, I wonder? You've fallen in love with an illusion. You are better off without him."

"Leave my feelings out of this! You said the Mighty Nein wouldn't be hurt. That was part of our deal," he snapped, eyes narrow slits. But they weren't his. He hated this guise. It was a joke. He wanted to be invisible. When he saw Jester and Caduceus weave into view he nearly wished himself invisible, then and there. He'd come up with an explanation later. Any explanation.

"I remember everything, Desren. But you're not the one who has to keep Trent leashed. It isn't easy. He doesn't like how this makes him look, one of his own running away, learning free will. It sets a dangerous precedent. What if others follow his example? Than where would we be?"

Essek knew very little about Trent's programme for training Vollstrecker, but what he knew was enough to turn his stomach. He knew Caleb had been one of his students, but this was a fact he had only recently ascertained, after their close call with that Scourger. He told the Bright Queen that _he_ had been the target, not Caleb. He had shielded him because... it had become second nature to shield him and his friends. He had acted so quickly, without thinking, to save him, and stop her, by any means necessary. He never hesitated to wonder how Ludinus or Trent would react upon learning he had killed one of their own in a fit of passion.

 _Passion?_ There was no other word for it. It was senseless, irrational, impulsive. She could have easily been restrained for a few more hours, a few more days, until her execution. But the sight of Caleb in pain, with fresh blood pooling at his neck... was too much for him. It made his stomach turn. It was making his stomach turn, now, just remembering.

His eye caught on the bright blue blur of Jester as she led an older tiefling in a velvet dress across the room, with Fjord and Beau following closely at her heels, just long enough for him not to notice Caleb walk up behind him.

"Hello again, Lord Thane."

Essek jumped up with a broken exclamation of surprise, nearly spilling the drink in his hand.

"Oh, ah! H-hello, Cay-leb Widow-geist? Of th-the Mighty Nein?" He muttered as he turned around, trying to regain his composure. Caleb had looked good from afar, but up close he was... distractingly handsome. Essek was staring. He was obviously staring. He could not help but stare. He forced a smile.

"Correct. Are you having a nice evening?" Caleb asked, returning his smile, in a fixed way.

"N-not really, I... am not one for parties, actually. I was just leaving," Essek insisted, scanning the hall for the nearest exit.

"Neither am I." Caleb moved forward, extending a hand. Essek offered his, expecting a handshake, but instead, Caleb lightly clasped his hand and leant over, brushing a kiss across his knuckle. "I like your robes. You look wonderful."

"Well, uh, th-thank you..." Essek stammered out meekly.

"Can I get you another drink?" Caleb asked, pointing to the glass in his hand.

Essek glanced down at his glass, still more than half full, and shot back a large mouthful before handing him the emptied remains. Anything to get away from him as quickly as possible. "Yes, please."

Caleb took his glass, bowing before he disappeared into the crowd. Essek tried to make his escape, to lose himself on the other side of the room, but Ludinus was already watching him with a smile. Waiting for him to make a mistake. It was only a matter of time before Caleb had found him again, glass in hand. Only the one.

"There you are! Your drink, Sir." Another bow.

Essek could not help smiling, despite himself, at the bow. He was trying to so hard to look as if he belonged here.

"Are you trying to get me drunk?" Essek asked, when he noticed Caleb had neglected to get a drink for himself. Caleb answered his smile with one of his own, but Essek could tell something was off.

"Perhaps. May I have this dance?" He asked, extending a hand.

Other guests were dancing. It wouldn't cause a stir if they joined them. Only it would if _Essek_ joined them. He was having a hard enough time remembering how to _walk._ Maybe he'd misheard him. Maybe this was all a practical joke.

_"W-what?"_

"A dance."

"I don't really... dance. I never learned."

"Well, there's a first time for everything," Caleb replied, nonplussed. Essek looked long and hard at Caleb's outstretched hand, then out at the couples dancing, tried to imagine being among them, tried to imagine Caleb holding him close, fingers tangled in his, teaching him the steps, one by one... and cursed the sinking feeling in his stomach, as he contemplated how easy it would be to simply take his hand, and pretend, and go on pretending, that this was real, for a day, or two, or a week, or...

The crowd shifted. A young couple pushed past them, shoving Caleb forward, so he stumbled into Essek. The elf darted back, instinctively, at first... then realising how ridiculous he was being, treating Caleb as if he had the plague when he was supposed to be playing the part of a confident Lord from Nicodranas, reached out, taking his hand, to steady him.

"Very well. I suppose a Lord _should_ know these things... would you care to teach me?"

The barest ghost of a smile flickered across his lips as Caleb shifted his weight back onto the balls of his feet, drawing out Essek's arm. Placed a hand on his waist.

"Will you lead, or should I?" Caled asked.

Essek opened his mouth, closed it. Tried to remember what accent he was affecting.

"Y-you should lead, I don't know what I'm doing..."

"We can start with a waltz. The steps are very simple," he said, then quickly began showing him. Essek kept close watch on his feet and Caleb's, trying to mirror the Zemnian wizard's steps. He was not good at dancing. He never knew what to do with his feet. It felt strange enough, just to come down to earth, but Caleb was holding onto his hand, guiding him, and... after a few steps, his heart stopped racing. It became just another figure, another calculation, like one of his spells.

"One, two, three..." he repeated quietly as they moved in tandem. He still refused to lift his head and meet Caleb's eyes, but he kept in step.

"See! You're a natural," the redheaded wizard insisted, pivoting them both.

"Don't flatter me, I am a mess," Essek responds, feeling overwhelmed.

"Have you always lived in Nicodranas?"

"One, two... _what?"_

"You don't sound like a local."

Essek shook his head, ears flitting back.

"No, I... uhm... I travel a lot..."

"Have you ever been to Rexxentrum?"

"No. No, never. Is that where you hail...?"

"You remind me of a friend of mine," Caleb continued, undeterred.

"From Rexxentrum?" He stopped dancing for a moment. People were watching now. It has only just occurred to him that people were watching. He must look a fool, barely managing to complete the simplest of dances, barely able to look his partner in the eyes. Caleb gave his hand a little squeeze, to bring him back into the room, sensing his anxiety.

"You're doing well, Lord Thane. Don't worry about them, just focus on me and the music," he reassured him, leaning in close to whisper into his ear.

Essek was not sure where this was leading. He felt the strangest flicker of jealousy, even though he knew it was irrational to be jealous of _himself,_ of a disguise, of the fact Caleb seemed more interested in Lord Thane than he had ever been in _him_. He tried to ignore it. He knew it would be dangerous to let this scene play out a moment longer than necessary.

"You are very like him," Caleb went on. "Maybe it's the hair. But he never goes to parties. I have enough trouble trying to convince him to leave his tower." _He's talking about me, isn't he? Or is that just wistful thinking? Does he know?_

The hand on his waist drifted lower, to the small of his back. It made Essek nervous, standing so close to him, afraid he might see through his guise, but it was Caleb, so he could not bring himself to pull away.

"Your friend is missing out. You're a very good dancer, Widogast."

Caleb smiled appreciatively, and Essek lowered his eyes, swallowing hard, as they drifted across the hall. It would be so easy to lay his head against his shoulder. It would be so easy to drop his disguise, and beg his forgiveness, and try to explain... what? Working with the Assembly? Working with the people who hurt him? Who made his life a misery? No, the best thing he could do now was warn Caleb and his friends to run while they still had a chance.

"How long have you been working with the Martinet?" Caleb asked, before Essek could say anything. _So he can read minds, too. Is there nothing he can't do?  
_

"We are not working together, this is just... business. I am here to ensure this exchange goes smoothly, then I hope never to see him again."

"Is that all? You seemed... close."

The insinuation was enough to make Essek grimace.

"We really aren't, I can't stand the man. I would advise you and your friends to keep a distance. He is very dangerous. All of the Assembly are."

 _"Suspect everyone,"_ Caleb responded evenly. Their eyes locked for a long moment. "I've had my doubts about him, too. I'm surprised to hear you feel the same way, Lord Thane."

The staring continued, until something else caught Caleb's eye. He immediately snapped up straight, gaze locking on a fixed point over Essek's shoulder. The drow turned to look.

 _Speak of the devil, and he appears._ Ludinus was standing on his own, now. His lackeys had abandoned him. He looked to them with a smirk, raised his glass. Essek sneered back.

"Please excuse me," Caleb muttered, a dark look in his eyes as he withdrew from Essek and straightened himself up to full height. "I need to have a word with our mutual friend. I'll be back," he said before striding over to the Martinet, completely neglecting Essek's well-intended warning.

Essek barely had time to breathe a sigh of relief before Jester appeared at his side, a ray of moonlight, and threaded her arm through his, talking about how excited she was that they were about to see her mother perform. She seemed disappointed Essek did not know who this 'Ruby of the Sea' was, or anything about Nicodranas, but... how could anyone lie, convincingly, to someone so endearing? Instead he drank heavily, pretended to be ill, smiled, nodded, and prayed to all the gods he did not worship that some miracle would get him away from this room and these people he loved so dearly as quickly possible. Jester leaned in to ask another question, eyes still trained on her mother, the red tiefling from before who wore a floorlength velvet dress, as she walked onto stage. Essek tried to answer, but his voice was gone. He tried to move, but he could not feel his arms or legs. His body had gone completely numb. Someone had posioned him. He should have expected this; he knew the Assembly could not be trusted.

What followed seemed like a strange dream. Jester's hand waving did nothing, so she took him by the arm and dragged him towards the nearest exit, into a fairly secluded area of the courtyard. Caleb, Veth, and Caduceus, seeing them leave, must have followed, because they surrounded him, now, staring curiously and asking questions. None of them seemed to know what had happened. Thankfully, the paralysis did not last. Jester tried to console him, as sweet and charming as ever, but he made his excuses, said he needed to leave immediately. He spun around, and suddenly Caleb was standing before him, as beautiful as a dream, and clicked a pair of manacles over his wrists. 

_"What are you doing?! What are you doing?!"_ He cried out, panic setting in as he met Caleb's eyes, realising what this means. _He knows. He has to know,_ he thinks, but Jester keeps calling him 'Lord Thane,' so there's hope, a single hope, they do not know his true identity, which he clings to in his desperation, misty stepping out of the manacles and thirty feet across the courtyard. But he cannot bring himself to run away, and freezes where he stands, just beyond the gates. Caduceus is the first to approach him, with his gentle voice and calming demeanor, and Essek melts against it, even though he knows it is foolish, and may end in his death.

He hangs his head in defeat, asks them to lead the way. They lead him to the docks, where he is taken to a private hold beneath the Balleater. He immediately drops his disguise. He knows he has to tell them everything. _Nearly_ everything. But it's like swallowing rocks, trying to make this confession, because as much as he hates lying to them, he dreads even more the thought he might lose them forever.

He knows he is beyond redemption. He knows they will hate him if they know the truth. He has been lying to everyone from the start, for so many years, that he is not sure he knows how to tell the truth anymore. He tried to be honest, at dinner, tried to open up. He took a chance, because he cared for them. If only he had met them three or four years ago, maybe he wouldn't have gone through with this, maybe he would not have been so quick to thrown his young life away in the pursuit of knowledge.

He prepares himself for rejection, from where he sits, head bowed, on an overturned crate, on the moored but gently rocking Balleater. He knows they might turn him in to the Bright Queen, or they might simply kill him. He wouldn't have the heart to fight back if they tried. He would simply teleport away. He could never, knowingly, cause them pain.

 _"What I never accounted for... was liking you all. There is nothing worse than betraying those you care for, before you even came to care for them._ _"_ He admits, hanging his head. Suddenly a hand touches his face, lifts it. His eyes feel heavy. It is only with difficulty he raises them to meet Caleb's, which are as blue as the sea which surrounds them, and wide, and full of feeling. He had avoided those eyes at first, because he was ashamed, but Caleb wins this tug of war, and once again Essek is caught in his orbit and cannot look away.

_"The difference between you and I is thinner than a razor."_

He is kneeling on the floor before him. Why is he kneeling? No one is lower than him, no one, he has no reason to... yet he presses a kiss to the edge of Essek's brow and says: _"Maybe we are both damned, but we can still do some good, and leave it better than it was before."_

It doesn't feel real. Maybe it's a dream, and he is only imagining the salty tears which stick to his nose and lips and corner of his eyes, the warmth of Caleb's breath, the softness of that hard mouth, the gentleness of calloused hands, when they touch his face, his shoulder. He closes his eyes and bows his head, leans in.

"You were not part of the plan," he murmurs, tears hot, but his body feels cold, even pressed so close to Caleb. He can't bring himself to look him in the eyes.

Nothing had prepared him for Caleb. There was no way he could have predicted he would come to love him and his band of misfit friends, who were so good to him, so kind. He knows he is the weakest, most selfish creature who ever drew breath, yet he still could not bring himself to close the slither of distance which stood between them, to fold Caleb in his arms, to let go the sob caught in his throat and bury his head in his shoulder, and beg forgiveness for what was yet to come, if the Dynasty found out, if the house of cards he had spent these last three years painstakingly assembling came crashing down around him.

"And now you're all in terrible danger for the things you know."

 _"So be it,"_ Caleb replies so softly, his voice a whisper. All their friends are watching, but these words are just for him. Another gift he doesn't deserve. And Essek can't explain him, can't justify the hand caressing the side of his face which brushes away an errant tear, or that kiss, or this vote of confidence for a traitor like him.

"I haven't cared for... anyone, in the century I've been alive..." _until I met you_ goes unspoken, because it doesn't need to be spoken. Because they have an understanding. Because they have understood each other, without needing an explanation, since that first lesson. Since that walk home.

_I am here, if you want me; I am yours, if you want me; all you need to do is ask._

Jester moves forward and takes his hand. He recoils at the touch. Caduceus tries to comfort him, laughs in a low rumbling way when Essek hisses and pulls away. He is not used to being shown affection. He knows he doesn't deserve it, and resents their fawning. He doesn't flinch when Caleb touches him, when he takes up his face in his hands, because it feels _right_ sinking into his hands. Something he can't explain keeps pulling them closer, something he can't resist. He wonders if Caleb feels it, too.

 _I love you,_ he thinks but doesn't say, because he can't, because the happiness he has known, these past few weeks, when Caleb called him his friend, feels stolen.

Jester asks if he is going to betray them again. Caleb wonders, out loud, where his loyalties lie. Essek tells them the truth: he doesn't feel any loyalty for the Empire, or the Dynasty, or the Assembly, or... _anyone_ in Exandria besides _them_.

"Welcome to the Mighty Nein," Veth says, because she thinks he is just as broken and lonely as they are. He can't help smiling through his tears, though he knows it's not true; their crimes cannot possibly compare to his.

 _I would die for you and your friends. I would kill for you. Anything. Just ask,_ he thinks with a faint, sad smile. How he loves these people, loves their wildness, their chaos, and their unwavering loyalty to one another... but he knows he isn't one of them. He has always been an outside observer to the happiness of others.

There was never any warmth in his family, nothing that could compare to theirs. He was always kept at a distance _'for his own good,'_ so he could grow up to be strong and independent and resourceful. His research was his whole life. 

As he looks at Caleb for what he thinks may be the last time, everything shifts into focus. He sees, with a newfound clarity, that he could not have helped falling in love with Caleb. One look into those infinitely sad eyes, and he would have been lost, even before he heard the way he talked about magic and his friends with such warmth. Even before their lessons, and bonding over books, and crafting and perfecting spells together had made their finding one another, in this moment, in this timeline, when Essek most needed a friend... seem almost pre-ordained. He didn't have to kneel before him, didn't have to kiss him, didn't have to say a word, but... it felt nice to know he felt it, too, felt the pull of something he could neither explain nor resist.

Caleb could see the same 'spark' Essek had seen in him. They wanted, _needed,_ the same things, and Essek could not help the smile twisting his lips even now, in perhaps his darkest moment, as he allowed himself to wonder if the list of things they both wanted did not include each other. If he didn't sometimes daydream about what it would taste like to kiss his mouth, a tangle of lips and tongues and teeth, made impatient from waiting and wanting for so long. His imagination goes places it shouldn't, because he cannot help himself, because he is nothing more than a humble, selfish creature, because love is new to him, and love complicates desire.

How much easier it would be to make this confession and walk away, if he didn't love him. Didn't love them all.

Jester remembers her mother and runs away in a panic. Fjord follows her. Essek nods his head as she leaves, a thank you on his lips too quiet to hear. Caleb lifts his chin, lightly, bringing him back, as he had brought him back in the hall, in the lab. Essek doesn't resist, couldn't resist. He lifts his chin.

"You don't know how much it kills me, lying to you," he admits, voice breaking.

"It's okay," Caleb answers, as if it really is. "We are friends. You don't have to lie anymore."

"I knew you'd see through my disguise the moment I saw you," Essek adds, a warm flush rising to his cheeks.

"Technically, it was Frumpkin who saw through your disguise, but I... had my suspicions, yes." A pause. "I didn't want to believe it. Then I heard the way you talked about us to Ludinus and I... I almost wish I hadn't asked Frumpkin to follow you."

Essek nodded, taking this revelation in stride. So he had overheard him talking to Ludinus on the _Wind of Eons._ He could pretend to be surprised, but... nothing the Mighty Nein did could surprise him, now. Nothing _Caleb_ did could surprise him. He had already performed one miracle that week, changing Nott back into Veth. Why should he put anything past him?

"How much did you overhear?" Essek asked.

"Enough."

He gritted his teeth, nodded, eyes downcast.

"I hate them all. We had a deal, but they never kept their end of the bargain. I had to find out about the vials, and the second beacon, from you. I insisted they return the correct one, the one _I_ stole. The Bright Queen would have noticed their subterfuge immediately."

Caleb was still smiling faintly at him. Essek couldn't for the life of him think _why._

"We are going to the peace talks with you. We will protect you. You are not alone anymore. Sooner or later, you are going to have to get used to it."

Essek cleared his throat, shifting uncomfortably. It was hard avoiding his eyes when he was still pressed so close. It was hard feeling everyone else's eyes on him. He moved to his feet.

"I am more than capable of looking after myself."

"I know... but you have been looking after yourself for the last hundred years. Perhaps it is time to let others look after you. There is strength in numbers," he insisted gently before rising to his feet, brushing off his fine dresscoat.

The others prepared to return to the party, afraid if they stayed here any longer their absence would be noticed by the Assembly members who invited them.

Yasha waits, after everyone else has left, for Caleb and Essek at the door. Sees Caleb reach for Essek's hand and press it, encouragingly.

"I know the Martinet will get suspicious if he sees us talking at the party, but... I would like to see you afterwards. Here, maybe?"

Essek nods his head, unable to answer with words, and suddenly the contact is broken, and Caleb is heading out the door, and Essek is alone, except for Yasha, whose eyes watch him like a hawk. He forces a smile for her benefit, but it is too little, too late. She sees through it.

"Looks like I missed a lot while I was away," Yasha says, a hand still hovering close to the pommel of her greatsword as she waits for him to leave so she can close the door behind them. "He never used to smile, before. Be careful with him. He has been through a lot. I think you are a good man, underneath it all, but if you hurt him... I will kill you. Are we clear?"

Essek swallows hard, keeps nodding. 

"As crystal."

☆☆☆

Essek does his best to avoid the Nein for the remainder of the evening, but returns just in time to catch the tail end of Jester's mothers' performance. She sings beautifully. Across the room, once or twice, Jester waves, and he waves back. Ludinus, thankfully, avoids him, but he knows that he and his lackeys are keeping an eye on him, and will notice if he crosses a line, or speaks to someone he shouldn't. He watches the clock, counts the hours, waiting until it is late enough that his departure will not seem rude or unusual. He makes sure Ludinus sees him leave _alone,_ and waits until the Nein are long gone before departing. He heads straight to the docks, to the Balleater (he doesn't ask, and doesn't want to know), by the much more merciful light of the larger moon and a curtain of bright stairs. He slips on deck, and past some guards, until he is at the door for the Captain's quarters. He knocks. Waits. It takes Caleb a few minutes to answer, but he answers. Essek clears his throat, looks down, standing awkwardly at the door, his feet firmly planted on the ground.

"I want... to be good, to do as you said," he announces. He has had time to think about it, while he flitted around the Marquis' courtyard like a brooding ghost. He wants Caleb to know he has been thinking about it, that he is grateful for the second chance he's been given.

He shifts his weight from foot to foot, feeling apprehensive, the longer he waits at that door, the longer Caleb stares at him. He has had time to think, too. Maybe he has had time to regret showing him mercy. Maybe he only showed up because he wanted to tell Essek that whatever this was between them was over, before it had even begun.

Instead, after a silence which seems to draw out painfully long, Caleb's frown shifts into a smile, and he opens the door wider.

"I'm so glad you came! Come inside, please..."

"Wait. I haven't finished," Essek replied, still prepared for Caleb to reject him, and rescind his offer of forgiveness, once he knew what he was getting into. He didn't want there to be any more lies between them.

"I _want..._ to change, to be better... but I am not sure I can. That is why I cannot promise you anything besides... my loyalty, to you and your friends."

" _Our_ friends," Caleb corrects gently. "And I wouldn't ask for more. I know changing is hard, but it's easier when you don't try to make an enemy of the whole world. Trust me, I speak from experience."

Essek meets Caleb's eyes, narrowing his own. He kept saying they were mirrors, but he cannot fathom what Caleb had done which is so terrible he would consider them equals. He may have been trained to be an assassin for the Empire, but from what Essek heard, he never completed his training. Ludinus had mentioned an Asylum, but surely... his mind went blank as soon as Caleb's hand closed around his wrist, and he dragged him inside. Essek immediately dropped his disguise, once the door slammed closed behind him, then shirks from his grasp as if scalded by it.

"Please stop touching me," he snaps, and Caleb immediately lets go and steps back.

"I'm sorry, I thought—" the human stammers out sheepishly.

"You thought wrong. I don't like the way you've taken advantage of my weakness for you in front of your... _our..._ friends."

It didn't seem like a great confession to say he had a 'weakness' for Caleb; he knew they were both aware of it. Caleb _had_ been trained to be a spy, after all. He knew precisely what he was doing when he batted his eyes to get a few spells, or pressed Essek's arm for another teleport. He knew he was attractive; he knew, on some level, that Essek was attracted to him. As long as he was unaware Essek's feelings ran any deeper than surface attraction, they could still play this game, pretending it meant nothing, but... Essek didn't want to play anymore.

"There is nothing _'weak'_ about you, Thelyss."

Essek winces at the name. If he really was going through with this, if he really was joining the Mighty Nein, then... that meant no more Rosohna. No more being 'Shadowhand.' Formally leaving Den Thelyss would be the first step.

"Don't use that name, please. I am just Essek, now. I might as well get used to it."

"Just Essek. Okay." Caleb nods, understanding without needing an explanation, because he _always_ understands, because they _are_ mirrors. Initially, the thought he wasn't alone anymore had warmed his heart, clouded his mind. Now it gave him pause.

He narrows his eyes, looks Caleb over. He is still wearing what he wore to the party, black brocade with red embrodiery, he only cast off his outer dresscoat. The white shirt he wears is loose, open at the collar, but everything else... well, he might have been poured into it. It's distracting. 

Essek wonders why he's even here. Why he accepted his invitation. What he expected.

"Why is it so important to you that I be good? Even if I go through with this, even if I am able to help a few people... I am labouring under no misapprehension that anything I do now could make up for the damage I have already done."

"Because... I am selfish. Because I see myself in you," Caleb admits, scratching at the scars on his arms. "Because... if you cannot be redeemed... then there is no hope for me, either. But if we _can_ do some good, if we can make up for our sins by helping others, over time, then, well... anything is possible. Maybe even miracles."

He had already performed miracles, Essek wanted to say, but he couldn't get over the fact he kept pushing this point, kept insisting they were in the same sinking ship.

"You keep saying _'we_ , _'_ Caleb, but... you're not responsible for this mess, it happened long before I met you!"

"Ja, well... I have not led a particularly innocent life myself."

Essek closed his eyes, cleared his throat. _Where to start?_

"I never asked you about your past, or your motivations, and it's not... it's not because I didn't _care,_ it's because... I didn't want to ask for you to be honest when I still couldn't work up the courage to tell you the truth. And I am still the Shadowhand, for what it's worth. There was always a risk you'd think I had an ulterior motive for asking, that I was only interested in you because of your history. You may still think so, for all I know. But the only reason I want to know is because I care about you, and because... as long as they are _your_ enemies, they are mine, and I want to know their names and crimes, so I know what I am up against."

"You've told us your story, it's only fair I tell you mine," Caleb answers, nodding. "I have not always been Caleb Widogast. I was once Bren Aldric Ermendrud. I was not... a prodigy, like you, but I had a natural aptitude for magic, so my parents, who were very poor, simple, _good_ people... worked hard to throw enough money together to send me to the Soltryce Academy, where I threw myself into my studies, and did so well that when Trent came looking for students... he liked the look of me, and two of my friends, and took us under his wing. I... never completed my training, but... it went on for years. Do you know how Vollstrucker are trained?" Caleb asks, levelling a weighted look at Essek, who frowns, shakes his head.

"No, but I can imagine."

"I was trained to murder traitors for the good of the Empire. I thought what we were doing was right, because I was loyal to a fault, because I thought the Empire could do no wrong, and traitors deserved to die, deserved to _suffer_ , at my hand, though I was only a child. I was trained to be a weapon. He put crystals in my arms, raw residuum, because he thought it would make me more powerful... although it seems they favour enchanted tattoos, now, so it must not have worked..." He shows off his scars, and anger coils inside Essek like a serpent. "I murdered my parents, because Trent asked me to. Because he told me they were traitors, and I hated traitors. I wound up in an asylum for... some time. I found out later, much later, that it was all a lie... he had planted false memories in my head, to convince me of their guilt... so I-I lost it, a bit..." he bowed his head. Essek was not sure what to do, how to comfort him, in this moment, but he knew he could not simply watch him cry and do nothing, so he reached out to lightly cover Caleb's hand, and was surprised when he did not move away.

"I am so sorry, Caleb... If I had known, I would never have..." Caleb interrupts him to indicate a chair, beside a small table, and a rather utilitarian bed, attached to the wall. Essek nods, sits down on the edge of the bed, facing the table and chair, and continues speaking, as Caleb scours the room in search of a bottle. "I was so fascinated by stories I had read of the Assembly, and what they had accomplished... stories I was not _supposed_ to read, but which are easier to find, when your Den runs one the largest libraries in Exandria. I was humbled by the advances in magic achieved by your people, who have always been so... so universally despised by my own... I did not believe they deserved our ire. I did not see the harm in working together with the foremost mages your nation had to offer to answer the mysteries which have eluded our own. I tried to encourage my mother, and my Queen, to keep an open mind... that both our people would benefit from working together to answer life's greatest mysteries..." he smiled faintly at that. "You see, I had big dreams, once, the beacons were only the beginning... but try telling someone who has spent thousands of years steeping in resentment and bitterness that they should ask their greatest rival for help! They won't listen."

Caleb returned with the bottle and two glasses, set them down on the table, poured them both a drink. Essek went quiet, briefly, as he watched him.

"I know how misleading stories can be. I want to know the truth, and that's why... I'm asking you. I don't trust Ludinus or DeRogna or umavi or... any of them... but I trust you."

Caleb handed Essek his glass and they clinked them together to a Zemnian toast. "The truth about the Assembly? They're all bastards, but Trent is the worst."

Essek took a drink. The whisky was stronger than he expected, but the burn was strangely... pleasant.

"You are not what he made you," he insists, but Caleb looks unconvinced.

"I wish that were true," he mutters, making fast work of his own drink.

He pours another, from the chair he has positioned in front of Essek, who is perched on the side of the captain's bed.

"You are strong, and clever, and most importantly... you have a good heart. That is what people like Trent and Ludinus can't account for."

A teasing smile lights up the sombre mage's face, and he leans in closer, red hair falling forward. "Is that what you didn't account for?"

Essek knew a boundary had to be established between them now if they were going to be able to live, and work, and travel together without his one-sided infatuation complicating things. That kiss had been a gesture of pity. It was stupid of him to think otherwise, but it was downright cruel of Caleb to _know_ Essek loved him, and to keep using that love as a weapon against him. 

"Why did you kiss me in front of them?" Essek asks after Caleb sets down his glass. It was a question that had been bothering him all evening.

"I wanted to kiss you. I wasn't thinking about them," Caleb replies with a shrug, like it doesn't matter.

"You were trying to calm a raving man, I know, I see that now, but... I don't need your pity."

Caleb sighed, ran a hand through his hair, trying to organize his thoughts.

"I remember what it felt like to wake up from those stolen years with so much blood on my hands, to feel as if I was drowning, and to not be offered a hand. I didn't want you to go through that, too. I wanted to offer you a hand. I am still... offering you a hand. You don't have to go through this alone. We will help you. I won't let you die for your mistakes, so long as you _know_ they were mistakes, and I want to believe you do. I want so badly to believe in you."

Essek started laughing, in a broken way. His head sinks into his hands.

 _"Oh, Gods._ What have I gotten myself into?" He wonders with a meek laugh. Caleb catches his face in his hands. His touch is electric, but Essek cannot pull away. He should hate this, he should recoil from him, because no matter what Caleb says he _knows_ he is poison, and doesn't deserve what Caleb is offering, but... he cannot help leaning into it, cherishing it, eyes falling closed. "You have all shown me... so much more kindness than I deserve."

"If you had been shown the kindness you deserve before the Assembly found you... we wouldn't be in this mess to begin with. But here we are."

"Here we are," Essek echoes grimmly.

"You're part of the Nein, now. I know you want to run away... but it would hurt them so much more, if you ran away now."

Essek found that hard to believe. Maybe some of them would care, but only when they needed another teleport.

"I would rather break their hearts than be responsible for their deaths." 

"I don't want a broken heart. I want you."

Caleb was still holding his face in his hands. Essek laughed, tears scalding his eyes. Not even in his wildest dreams did he imagine his confession taking so sharp a turn. _What more do I have to lose?_ He extends a hand to cover one of Caleb's, looks deeply into his eyes.

"I never wanted to fall in love with you, Caleb. You were never part of the plan. I didnt know, at first, what you were... and that is, I think, for the best. I would have been able to guard my heart against a trained vollstrecker. But I didn't think to guard myself against you until it was too late."

"Trent wanted me to be a machine like him, cold and calculating, and there was a time... when I thought I could be. But these people have changed me, and they can change you if you let them. They can love you, if you let them. I..." his voice breaks as Essek runs his fingers over Caleb's reflexively, "can love you, if you let me."

Essek shakes his head. This isn't real. He knows it isn't real. Caleb has an agenda, now; he wants to save him, and he thinks this is the only way.

"How could you love a liar? A traitor?" He asks. "I didn't know it would end in war, I didn't know what I was doing... I didn't know so many people would die... but I told myself it was worth it. All that mattered was finding the truth about the Luxon. Getting through all the lies they _accept_ as truth, without question. But it furthered the divide between me and them until... I no longer felt any connection at all with the world I lived in. I had no loyalties. No bonds. Until I met you. I would die for you, and your friends, so gladly. I would kill for you, too. But I am no hero. I don't care about anyone else. I just can't bear the thought of you and your friends coming to harm for something I started three years ago, when I could not resist the promises they made me."

He had hoped when he told him the truth, Caleb would understand how hard it was for him to resist the sort of promises the Assembly makes to idealistic young mages... he just wished it didn't have to be because they had once made the very same promises to him.

"I burn everything I touch. I have been turned, by enchantments, against my own friends and family. Caduceus and Jester... can use their magic to heal others, but I have only ever been good at destroying things, until... they showed me how my magic could be used to shield my friends, or make them stronger. I learned from you... how to give them a second chance. I want to give you a second chance, too. I want to return the favour."

He takes out a pearl, shows it to him. Essek looks surprised at first, then nods, closing his eyes as Caleb presses the pearl against his forehead and casts fortune's favour. Essek feels the spark of magic, and awareness, course through him, safe and familiar. He lifts his head, and tries to thank him, but before he can, Caleb's lips are on his. It takes Essek a moment to respond, to realise what is happening, to gain control of his body. Then he presses forward, leaning into the kiss, and waits for Caleb to make the next move, to draw him into his arms where he leans over the bed, and press the tip of his tongue against the join in Essek's lip, before he parts his mouth, deepening the kiss, and felt an unfamiliar warmth flood through him.

When he pulled away, Essek searched his expression for a sign he had done the right thing, and not overstepped. A smile flitted across the redhead's lips, as he grabbed a handful of Essek's hair and drew their foreheads together roughly, now seated beside him on the bed. Essek let him, closed his eyes, ears flitting back.

"I don't know what this means. I don't know where we're heading. I just know wherever we're going... I want you there with me."

 _"Caleb, I—"_ Essek starts, before a sob closes his throat. 

_"Shh._ We can talk later, once all this has passed."

"Ludinus will wonder where I've gone."

"Tell him you had to return to Rosohna."

"He will know I am lying."

"Would you rather tell him the truth?"

Essek wonders what Ludinus would think if he knew he had spent the evening in bed with the beautiful young wizard the Martinet had tried, and failed, to ruin. He ran a hand down Caleb's chest, where his shirtfront easily came undone, before burying his face in the crook of his neck, and feeling the human's arms wrap around him, and for once in his life he felt almost... safe.

"You should get some rest," Caleb whispers into one long ear, as it dances, flitting back and forth.

"I don't want to go. I want to stay like this," Essek murmurs, shifting his arms and legs until he is comfortably tangled up with Caleb, who smiles softly, running a hand through the dark elf's hair before kissing the top of his head.

"Then stay with me. We have a room in the Lavish Chateau which is nice, and warm..." _and full of people, and lights, and noise,_ Essek supplies, mentally.

In happier times, the Nein had tried to lure him into a sleepover, but he didn't feel ready to face them again, especially if that meant leaving Caleb's arms. He had been alone for so long he had forgotten how good it felt to simply be held like this, so close he could listen to his heartbeat, feel the slow rise and fall of his chest.

"I'd rather stay here, with you." He had waited far too long for this dream to come true; he wasn't ready to wake up. 

"Then we'll stay. Just let me send a message to Veth, so she won't worry."

Essek nods, and moves over, so he doesn't suffocate the poor man while he tries to cast Message.

"I am glad the spell worked. She looks good," he observed as Caleb leaned over to fish a strand of copper wire out from his coat pocket, strewn over the side of the table.

"She is happy to be back. She is happy to see her family again, without having to pretend to be something she's not."

"I can relate," Essek answers quietly.

"We couldn't have done it without you," Caleb adds, before he starts his message:

_[[ Veth? Essek doesn't want to be alone right now, so I am going to stay. Please look after the others, and tell them not to worry. ]]  
_

It takes less than a minute for Veth to reply:

_[[ Be careful! Tell him if he tries anything I will fill him so full of crossbow bolts he won't be able to float for a year! ]]_

Caleb smiles, looking down at Essek, who is lying now, one arm propped behind his head and the other draped across his torso. Just this once, he allowed his eyes to scan him, thoughtfully, and wet his lips.

"Veth knows. Are you cold?" He asks, noticing Essek shiver. The drow shrugs his shoulders loosely.

"I don't know if it's cold or fear anymore."

Caleb tentatively extends an arm.

"It's a good thing fire is my specialty. I can keep you warm," he offers, summoning, for the briefest moment, a small flame in the palm of his hand.

But Essek isn't looking at the flame. Instead, his gaze combs Caleb's extended arm, his torso, the open shirt, the curve of his chest, his neck, that honest, gentle, open face, he'd so much like to kiss again. But he knows he shouldn't. Not tonight. They were moving too fast. 

"This isn't easy for me," he starts, a flush deepening the blue-toned purple of his face and colouring his ears. "I'm not used to... affection."

Caleb can't help smiling when he remembers the way Essek hissed as Jester and Caduceus tried to comfort him, like a cornered moorbounder.

"I know, Essek. It's okay. I will never ask for more than you're prepared to give."

Essek watches the redheaded wizard stand up and move away from the bed. He stripped off his shirt and undid his boots before setting down a protective alarm around the room. It felt uncouth to stare, but Essek couldn't help noticing the scars which crisscrossed his back and torso, hard-won in battle. He had a few of his own, but nowhere near as many. When he fought, it was usually from a distance. He'd have to learn, now that he was going to become an adventurer, how to survive all manner of combat. Maybe Caleb would teach him. 

Caleb walks back to the bed, and runs a hand through Essek's short white hair.

"Don't look so glum, I have a present for you," he says, grabbing hold of the pendant that hangs loosely around his neck. He drags it up over his head, and motions for Essek to bow his to receive it. "Now no one can scry on you."

Essek takes up the pendant in his hands and turns it over, examining it. "But what if they scry on you?" 

"Trent already knows about me and my friends. There's no point hiding anymore. When he comes for me, I will be ready."

 _Not if, but when._ If he was not already worried about Caleb, he was worried now.

"It still feels wrong taking this from you..."

Caleb raises a hand to lightly clasp the back of Essek's neck, messaging it slightly. Every nerve is alive with the same electric fire he felt when their hands first touched; when he kissed him. He knows so well how to shut him up.

"It's a gift, I want you to have it. I'd sleep easier knowing you were safe."

Essek leans forward, wrapping his arms around Caleb's torso, hugging him where he stands.

"Thank you for this. For everything," he says, closing his eyes. He could so easily get used to this.

"You're welcome," his wizard replies, kissing the top of his head a second time.

"Please come back to bed," Essek entreats, ears flitting back. "I don't think I want to be alone anymore."

Caleb nods and says: _"Wie ihr wünscht, mein Liebchen,"_ before getting in bed and kissing his cheek. Then he tugs the covers up over them, weaving his arms around Essek's midsection and pulling him closer, and is so used to falling asleep while the world is on fire, he is out like a light. Essek did not find it as easy to fall asleep, because the cabin was cold, and the bed was wooden and hard, and he did not know what tomorrow would bring, and he hardly knew any Zemnian at all, but he knew _'Liebe'_ meant _'love,'_ and there was no place in the world he would rather be, so he closed his eyes and tranced until the gentle rocking of the ship finally dragged him under.


	3. Chapter 3

Caleb took a long time to wake up, but Essek tried his best not to wake him. He knew he _should_ get out of bed. He knew it was only a matter of time before either the Bright Queen or Ludinus called him away, stole this moment from him, but for as long as it lasted... he would enjoy it. He would enjoy the simplicity of allowing someone else to complicate his life. So he curled up closer, weaving his arms tightly around Caleb's waist as he turned over, lightly tugging Essek to his chest in his sleep.

Caleb woke slowly. Very slowly. Made a soft noise before turning over. Raised an arm, away from Essek, to pin under his head. Essek trailed his hand across Caleb's chest, contemplating him, each scar and sunspot, the curve of his jaw and chest, the bloom of hair barely showing from out the top of his opened tunic. As he contemplated tugging on that open shirtfront, bringing him closer, pulling him into a kiss... Caleb's eyes finally opened.

"You're awake," he mumbled, bringing down an arm to catch Essek's elbow, drag him up. Essek flowed like water back into his arms, smiling.

"I've been awake for hours! How strange you humans are," he observed. Caleb's eyes fluttered shut as Essek kissed his cheek, but he hummed contentedly in answer. "So vulnerable for half the day... deaf, dumb, and blind to the world... how can you bare it?"

His smile kept getting worse.

"I don't exactly have a choice," Caleb answered before stretching his long, gangly limbs like a cat. "I just close my eyes and pray."

"I didn't know you were a man of faith," Essek countered, lips parting to show off sharp incisors.

"I have faith! I have seen clerics perform miracles with the aid of their god. I just don't pick favourites."

Essek nodded, then laid his head down on Caleb's chest when he made no move to get up or leave the bed, pinning him there. He was worse than Frumpkin.

"You're the only miracle I need," he mumurred, eyes slowly falling closed. "It's nice talking to people who don't follow the Luxon for a change."

"What about your Empire friends?" Caleb asked, slowly running his hand up Essek's arm, than back, in a rythmic motion that nearly had him falling back into a trance.

"We aren't... friends, I just handed them the Beacons, told them to do what research they could, and they promised to send word if they found something. Only they didn't."

Caleb considered him for a long moment before lifting his hand to cup the back of Essek's neck, loosely. "But you're still alive. They let you live. There has to be a reason." 

Essek sighed. He didn't want to talk about the Assembly now, but if it meant Caleb remained his pillow, and he would keep running his hand along the back of his head and neck... _'so be it.'_

"They want information which they can't get if I'm dead. Which they'll never get, now." A pause, as he readjusted himself, their bodies slotting together more comfortably. "It was pointless trying to work with them. They don't listen to me at all."

"Then I guess you'll have to work with us, instead," Caleb said, leaning down to kiss his cheek before nuzzling the side of his face. Was he always this affectionate first thing in the morning? Or was this a side of Caleb only Essek got to see?

He sighed contentedly, resting his head against Caleb. He liked the Nein, liked working with them. Maybe nothing he did, now, could ever make up for his mistakes... but that didn't mean he couldn't try to do _something_ good for these people, who had already been so kind to him.

"You know, I could get used to this. Maybe I should tell the truth more often." A long pause, before he tilted his head back to look over Caleb. "I used to think it was dangerous to need people. To get too close. But you see me, you see straight through me. You know what I've done, what I'm capable of. Aren't you afraid?"

Caleb rose up and turned Essek over, so they were practically nose to nose, then extended a hand to lightly graze his ear, cup the side of his face in his hand.

"Do I look like I'm running away?" He asked. Essek shook his head. "There's your answer."

Essek tentatively raised a hand to brush away a loose strand of red hair. Caleb smiled, going perfectly still, and let him. How soft his hair was. His eyes.

There was so much he wanted to say. _I'm so glad I met you. You're all I've wanted, all I've been looking for, all these years, only I didn't know it, until last night. I was so blind, I didn't even know what I was missing._ But he'd already said too much. He should not have told Caleb he loved him. He was just so sick and tired of lying to him, to them all, to everyone, the whole world. He didn't want to have to lie anymore.

_[[ Where are you, Shadowhand? It's nearly dawn. Don't tell me you forgot our meeting. ]]_

_Ludinus._ He grimaced, pulled away. He _had_ forgotten. Caleb's smile instantly faded into concern as Essek jolted upright and out of his arms and swung his legs over the side of the bed.

"I need to go. I need to get out of here. Oh, gods... what time is it?" He asked as he motioned closer his boots, magically, then pulled them onto his feet, started doing up the laces and buckles. "Nearly six-thirty," Caleb answered.

_[[ ...Half past six. Are you in trouble, Shadowhand? Do I need to send someone? ]]_

Essek closed his eyes, raised a hand to his temples. _"No, I just forgot the time difference. The Bright Queen called me back suddenly. I will return in a few days to oversee the transaction."  
_

Caleb joined him, shifting his legs over the side of the bed and watching intently as he spoke.

_[[ It's not like you to be so careless, but I understand circumstances are... unique. Consider our meeting postponed. ]]_

Essek shook his head, waited until the connection had broken off before he resumed getting dressed. Caleb watched him. Thought he was being subtle about it, too, probanly. Essek was in too much of a hurry to be modest. The longer he delayed, the more likely it was either Ludinus, or his Queen, would get suspicious, or one of their spies would see him somewhere they shouldn't. He could only be in so many places at once.

"I'm heading back to Rosohna. I have a few loose ends I need to take care of."

"So the Bright Queen hasn't called you back?"

"No, but I need to be 'seen' in Rosohna, or people will suspect something's amiss."

Caleb looked so disappointed when Essek turned to face him that he couldn't help but smile down at him as he did up his collar and the hooks on his tunic, and turned out his cuffs, hovering close to the bed. Caleb extended an arm to reel Essek back in like he was threading a needle.

"Don't worry, I'll be back in time for the peace talks," Essek promised.

"That's not what I'm worried about."

The elf shook his head and sat down beside him. "This isn't goodbye forever, Caleb. It's just... goodbye for now."

Caleb extended a hand, rested it on Essek's leg, just above the knee. "You will join us, won't you? I don't like the thought of you alone on that ship with him."

"Neither do I... but once the Beacon is restored, I will no longer have any obligation to the Assembly. I will be free, like you," Essek insisted, taking up Caleb's hand. The human stifled a laugh.

"I don't know how 'free' I am, but... I have already lost so much to the Assembly. I won't let them take you, too."

"How can you still believe in me?" Essek asked.

"Because... I think you regret the things you've done. I think you deserve a second chance."

Essek felt Caleb's hands run up the back of his neck, slot around long, slender ears as they flitted back. He closed his eyes and pressed his forehead against Caleb's, allowed this warmth to pass through him. He was beginning to realise how easy it would be to sink into his touch and forget the world completely.

"Thank you, Caleb. I don't deserve your faith in me... but I want to become someone who could. I hope that's enough."

Caleb drew back, so he could look Essek in the eyes. "It's a start."

Essek tilted his head and leant forward, eyes still closed, and a hand wove through his hair, before lips crashed into his, and it was not the soft kiss he expected, but a wildfire which left him breathless, broken, wasted. He reached out blindly, encircled his arms around Caleb, wanting, needing, to be closer. They kept kissing, until Caleb finally agreed to let Essek leave that room, and Nicodranas...on the condition he took Caleb with him.

The rest of the Nein were harder to persuade. Beau and Veth didn't like the idea of Caleb going anywhere alone. They were both _convinced_ this was all part of some elaborate plan Essek, or the Assembly he might still be working for, had to kidnap Caleb.

"Do I look like I am being kidnapped?" Caleb shot back, rolling his eyes, an open spellbook full of teleportation circles already in hand.

"Do you really think this a good idea?" Beau asked. "I mean... I like him, too, but after last night... how do we know we can trust him?"

"He wants to change. He _can_ change. I know he can change."

"How can you be so confident?" She countered.

"Because _I_ changed!" Caleb responded with surprising conviction.

"It might be good for them to take a few days to get all the supplies they need," Fjord said.

"I could use some supplies, too," Caduceus interjected.

Jester nodded in agreement. "We all could."

"Make a list. We'll get all we can. And some pastries, too," Essek promised.

"Maybe Caduceus should go with them. You know, to help?" Veth suggested.

"It would be nice to check on my garden," the firbolg replied, all smiles.

Beau sighed, arms still crossed. "Fine, you can go if you take Caduceus with you. But be _careful,_ and don't talk to _anyone._ You know the Assembly's got a target on your back, and we're only strong when we're together."

Caleb nodded his head, mumbled: "I know," under his breath.

Essek clapped his hands together, forcing a nervous smile. "Very well, but we must leave soon. If anyone notices my absence... my chances of surviving this endeavour will be slim at best."

Beau's eyes were still locked with Caleb's. She was clearly worried about him. "The sex better be worth it. If you're wrong about him, we're all in danger."

"I'm not wrong. Let's go," Caleb said, grabbing Essek's arm with one hand and some chalk with the other, and marching towards the door.

Caduceus followed after them, hesitantly. "Am I going too, or...?"

 _"Yes!"_ They both answered, loudly, in unison.

☆☆☆

Caleb was glad his friends didn't ask him any more questions about Essek, or what happened last night. He still wasn't sure what this was. It had started out as a game, hadn't it? Neither of them expected it to develop into anything more.

Essek wanted more information about the Nein. Caleb wanted to know everything he could learn about dunamancy. If that meant seducing him for spells... well, it wouldn't be hard. He was handsome, and charming, in his way, and they were well-matched, intellectually. Their interests 'aligned,' and it was thrilling, flirting with him.

...So when did it _stop_ being a game? After Essek killed that Scourger? After the Lotus Den? After he showed up for dinner, where he called the Nein his 'friends,' where he admitted how much he cared for them, and how lonely he was, too? It had thrown Caleb off balance.

 _He's so intelligent. Handsome. Clever._ _Fascinating._ Compliments rolled off his tongue so easily, when he finally gave himself permission to trust him. So many compliments. Hanging on his every word and look. Wanting more. He _had_ wanted more, hadn't he?

 _Why do you two always talk so close?_ Beau asked with a grin, and he'd swallowed hard, and moved away, because all he could think was it isn't close enough.

The memory fell away. Beau was glaring at him, now, as he turned to grab Essek's arm and lead him to the door. Essek let him.

"Keep an eye on them, Cad. No canoodling!" Veth called after them. "Just get your supplies and come right back!"

"Light forbid. Caleb?" Essek called, taking a step back to give Caleb room to set down his circle. He completed the circle, rose to his feet, and extended a hand to take up Essek's and Caduceus' before murmurring the words which would send them to Rosohna. The landing was rough, but Essek quickly rose to his feet, brushing off his shoulders before helping Caleb up. Then Essek looked expectantly between him and Caduceus.

"Shall we go?" He asked. Nods. He led the way out of the Bastion to the Xhorhaus, parting the guards easily.

Caleb was quiet as they walked back. He wasn't sure how to tell Caduceus he wasn't staying. Maybe he could sneak out after Caduceus went to sleep, like he had in the Academy, when he wanted to see Astrid or Eodwulf after lights out. Not that this was comparable. They were both grown adults, he couldn't pretend it was the same as his adolescent fumbling in the dark with Astrid. Not that he would have minded having found a way to get Essek in the same position. They were already so much like two gifted students, pouring over spells and books whenever they were together. It wasn't just physical, but... it could be more physical. He liked kissing him. Liked the way his fangs dug into his lower lip, his neck, when he went to kiss him. Liked how the pain started his heart, made it race faster than it ever had before. Made him feel alive.

Essek was already saying good-bye. He lifted his head, opened his mouth, trying to come up with a way to stop him... but Caduceus spoke first.

"Thanks for your help, but I really did want to check on my garden. You two have fun, I don't want to get in your way."

Before Caleb could protest, Essek placed a hand on his shoulder, angled a smile in his direction. "Where would you like to go?"

He knew it was pointless trying to lie to the good-natured firbolg.

" _Components!_ We need components," Caleb stammered out.

"I know just the place," Essek chimed with a smile.

So they both said their goodbyes to Caduceus and headed for the Gallimaufrey.

"Your friends are certainly... protective," Essek observed as they passed through the crowded market square.

"Ja, I know. Sometimes I wish they were _less_ protective. It's so hard to get a few minutes alone. Beau wouldn't even let me walk you home that night."

Essek glanced, casually, back at Caleb, but only for a moment, before his eyes flitted forward, as he carefully led the way. A few times the crowd got so bad he had to reach for Caleb's arm, or hand, to guide him or keep him close. He didn't don a disguise, but he kept a low profile, kept his head down. It was not as easy for Caleb to blend in to the crowd, but with Essek at his side, and their hands or arms interlocked, no one gave him any trouble. The longer this went on, the easier it got, to lean into him. To lean into this.

"I wondered what made her think we needed a chaperone?" Essek asked the air.

"If we were alone... I might have asked to go inside."

"Oh?" Essek dropped some trinket he'd taken up from a cart, hurriedly returned it.

"Or maybe I'd get cold feet, and tell you all about my former teacher, instead, and hope... you wouldn't use that knowledge against me."

That made Essek stop cold. "Caleb, I would _never_ use any of the information you gave me against you, and I would _never_ knowingly betray you, by the gods, I..."

"...Don't believe in?" Caleb responded with a faint smile. 

"I know gods exist," Essek replied, "but I'm only interested in magic. And you." A long pause. "It wasn't until you showed up at their front door... I had to intervene, I had to tell Ludinus that you were working for me, so he would leave you alone. I made it clear if anything happened to the Mighty Nein our deal was over. I thought I could protect you. Now... I am not sure I can even protect myself," he admitted. Caleb moved closer, placing one hand on the side of Essek's face, and pressing the other, still joined with his. He kissed his forhead again, this time between the eyes.

"It's alright. We've got you. I've got you. No one will hurt you."

Essek laughed nervously, but he didn't move away. He didn't take back his hand.

"It was so much easier when I was alone. When I cared for no one but myself. I'm so scared of losing you."

Caleb smiled, brought their foreheads together. "I'm not going anywhere."

Essek caught the back of his head and pulled him down into a kiss.

"Would you like to stay with me tonight?"

"Yes."

"Then we should buy food while we're out."

"I'll show you where we usually go," Caleb insisted, taking the lead, as this time he was the one who guided Essek back towards the crowded streets to finish their shopping. When they returned to Essek's tower, they found everything where he left it, but Essek was still more nervous than usual, and rushed to re-cast his wards. Caleb tried to keep his mind off the Assembly, and any assassins they might think to send, by teaching him how to cook. He had learned a few things from Caduceus. After they had finished, he summoned Frumpkin to keep them company.

Dinner was... warm, which was all Caleb required. Essek insisted on cleaning up, so Caleb curled up on the sofa with a book he had borrowed from his private library. The drow was surprised when Caleb's familiar trotted over to curl up in his lap instead of his masters, but more than happy to pet him. The fey began purring softly and tucked his paws beneath him so he resembled a loaf of bread. Essek murmurred an incantation, snapped his fingers, and a book appeared in his hands. He opened it to a marked page, and the two wizards continued reading in silence for an hour or two. As time passed, Caleb found it harder and harder to focus on the page before him, his eyes darting up to see Essek, head in a book, still trying to keep his cat amused.

"He likes when you scratch under his chin," Caleb suggested, letting his book fall closed and setting it down on a side table as he raised himself up and onto his feet. Essek glanced up, briefly, gave a nod, and scritched Frumpkin under the chin. The purring grew louder. Caleb walked over to the chair where Essek was seated, leant down to kiss the top of his head. "How are my boys?" He asked.

"I, ah... I am just reading a book on the mechanics of chronurgy. Would you be interested...?"

 _"Very._ But not tonight. I'd like to go to bed."

"Oh. Well, don't let me keep you, there's a spare room across the hall..."

"Essek. When you asked me to stay the night... I don't know what I expected, but it wasn't a guest room."

The graviturgist abruptly snapped his book away to a pocket dimension before scrambling to his feet so he could turn to face Caleb. Frumpkin did not like being forgotten, but painlessly found his way on to the ground, before sprinting away, in the direction of the kitchen, and leaving the wizards alone.

"You know I'm fond of you, but... it's been a long time since I've let anyone get under my skin the way you have."

"We could just share a room if you like," Caleb offered. "I want to keep you close."

Essek reached out to run his hand lightly down Caleb's robes, lingering on his lower stomach, contemplating how easy it would be to get him out of them. "I might want more."

"There's nothing wrong with wanting more."

Essek grimaced, still playing with the clasps of Caleb's robes.

One came undone. Another. _Careful._ "I don't know about that..."

Caleb raised a hand to his chin, forcing the elf to meet his eyes. "Do you trust me?"

Essek couldn't answer, couldn't get anything past the rock in his throat. He nodded. Caleb kissed his nose.

"Then let me sleep on the floor, so I can make sure you're safe. I'm afraid the Assembly might send another assassin."

Essek nodded. He couldn't bring himself to meet Caleb's eyes now, couldn't get the mental picture of him with blood running down his neck out of his mind, and the pure rage he had felt, when he held that Scourger's life in his hands. How badly he had wanted to comfort Caleb. To embrace him, once he knew the danger had passed. To wash the blood from him. Instead, he had to stand back, and look unmoved, as he watched his friends tend to him, wondering if he had protected Caleb by killing this woman, or only put him in more danger. Wondering if Caleb would ever be able to look at him again without fear. But he was looking now, and Essek didn't want to look back. His hands were warm, as they clutched the side of his face, a few fingers tucked behind his slender ears. He raised a trembling hand to cover Caleb's.

"Thank you," he murmurred. "I'll show you to my room. It's not far."

He led and Caleb followed. Essek snapped his fingers, and a few candles snapped into life. He stepped aside, giving Caleb plenty of room to pass in.

"I'm sorry it's so dark, I don't often entertain humans," he mused, as Caleb looked around the room, taking it in. He seemed very unhappy with the windows. He walked over to examine them, asked if they were locked, and how securely. Essek reminded him about the wards, but he insisted on placing wards of his own around the room itself so, with a sigh, Essek waved his hand, told him to do whatever he needed, as he slid into a side room. He returned wearing his sleeping clothes. He had hoped that would elicit... any response whatsoever from Caleb, but he was still mid-ritual. Essek sat on the edge of the bed, folded his legs over the side, waited patiently for Caleb to close his spellbook, move to his feet, and join him. It was a large bed, far larger than their bed on the ship, with plenty of room, but he still hesitated.

"What's wrong?" Essek asked.

"I'd rather sleep on the floor."

"Then you can take the bed. I don't need one, it's just... a luxury. I can trance sitting up."

"You didn't sleep in the Balleater?" He sounded almost _wounded_ by that thought.

"No, I slept, but... I don't _need_ to sleep. It was an indulgence. One I have no need to repeat."

"I still feel bad about stealing your bed from you..."

"You aren't stealing anything, Caleb! I want you here. I was the one who invited you."

With a reluctant sigh, Caleb sat beside him. Essek nudged his knee, leant forward to kiss him on the mouth.

"Goodnight, Caleb Widogast," he said, hoping that would shut him up once and for all.

"Goodnight, Essek."

They eventually found a sleeping arrangement which was mutually agreeable. Caleb's arms wrapped around him tightly, with the drow's head tucked under his chin. Essek had to admit that perhaps he could get used to this... even if the next night, he had to begrudgingly allow Frumpkin to join them, and the night after, Caleb had insisted on sleeping on _his_ side of the bed, and Essek had been too polite to tell him that _yes, he did mind very much._

But it was nice having someone else to share his home, his bed, his life. He didn't want it to end after they left for the peace talks, but he knew it would. He knew that Caleb's place was with the Nein, and the only way he could join him is if he left all of this... the familiar, comfortable safety of his tower, and the luxury he knew here in Rosohna. If he left the Dynasty, there would be no guarantee of a roof over his head, no guarantee that he could keep Caleb safe, and fed, and warm... but at least he could keep him close. That was something. He just wondered if it was _enough._

☆☆☆

The following day, Essek reported straight to his office in the Lucid Bastion, where he found a great deal of paperwork waiting for him. He also found the High General seated at his desk. "Ah, you've returned!" She exclaimed with a wide smile, immediately standing up. She indicated the files before her. "I'm glad. You're much better at this than I am."

He nodded, taking the seat after she vacated it. He hated the mundanity of this work, but the information in these files was too confidential to be trusted in just anyone's hands. When he looked up he found Quana Krynn still there, standing before his desk, evidently waiting for something. He arched one brow, expectantly.

"Was there anything else you needed, High General?"

"Verin's back," Quana Kryn announced.

Essek sighed. "I don't want to see him."

"Tough luck."

He froze in place as his brother Verin glided into view. He was already in his study. Touching _his books._

Essek smiled in a tight, entirely unconvincing manner. He kept walking until he was face to face with his little brother, then plucked the book he'd taken out of his hand, and put it back on the shelf where it belonged.

"Hello, Verin. I see you've taken to thieving," he observed, casually, without meeting his brother's eye. He could still feel him smirking at him, in his shining new armour. Taskhand, now. That was new. Essek wasn't impressed. Anyone can wave a sword around and give orders. "I'm not surprised."

Verin rolled his eyes. "You think I care about your dusty old books? I got bored waiting for you. Where have you been the last few days? I looked for you everywhere."

"We are negotiating peace talks, and I am still the Shadowhand. I'm a busy man."

"I know. I'm proud of you."

"You should see his humans!" Quana interjected.

Essek could _feel_ the colour draining from his face.

"His... humans?" Verin asked, arching one brow. It made the smirking worse.

"They aren't all humans. Only three of them, actually. Although I have my doubts about the barbarian."

Essek went back to his work, and did his best to ignore them both, hoping they would take the hint and leave him be. 

"When do I get to meet your humans?" Verin asked.

"You don't. You go back home to... to wherever you live, now, and leave my friends alone."

"Since when have you had _friends?_ I bet you're hiding them for a reason. Quana, where do the human's live?"

"They have a house in the Firmaments. Hard to miss. There's a giant tree growing out of the rooftop covered in lights."

"Trust me, you _really_ don't want to meet them. You'll get no peace if Jester decides she likes you."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Verin asked, looking back to the High General for aid. "What's a _jester?"_

"A blue tiefling cleric with a penchant for sweets," Quana supplied, dropping down a few files on Essek's desk. Apparently she'd read his notes on the Nein.

"Oh? _Oh!_ She's the one mother mentioned!" He started smirking inanely, and gave Essek a suggestive wink. "Says you've been seeing a lot of her lately. Always sending each other little messages."

Quana cast a sympathetic look in Essek's direction before heading for the door, not wanting to get caught up in this crossfires of this unwanted reunion. Essek's patience was running very thin, and he had only just arrived. 

"Ah, no. We are just good friends. She is not exactly my type."

"Since when did you have a _type?"_ Verin asked, moving closer so he could elbow Essek in the side. He was always needling him. "It's one of the humans, isn't it? That would be rich! I can't wait to see the look on Mother's face when—"

Essek quickly recoiled, raising a hand to keep him at arm's length. They were too old to keep playing these games. _"Please,_ Verin."

"I just want to know if you're happy. Are you happy?"

Essek met his brother's eyes, evenly, held his gaze. He thought back to Caleb, probably waiting for him in his tower already, pouring over a book. Maybe Frumpkin was sleeping in his lap, or across the back of his chair, or curled around his shoulders like a scarf. He thought of returning home, of greeting him with a lazy kiss, as the book dropped away and two arms came up to circle his neck, and pull him gently down... how simple it had all become, this problem which had caused him so much confusion and distress for months. How easy it was to forget the world in Caleb's arms. He shook his head.

"Yes, I am happy."

"You don't look very happy."

"I am happy, but... exhausted," Essek admitted, turning from Verin. He gestured to all the paperwork before him. "I have a lot on right now."

He still had so much work to complete before he could see Caleb again. Before he could cut ties with both the Assembly and the Dynasty. Before this chapter of his life could be closed for good.

Verin's gaze softened, taking in Essek, noting the way his left ear twitched. His tell. It always did that when he was nervous. "So I was right. There is someone."

Essek's eyes flitted up, but only for a moment, then he looked down again, refusing to dignify his questions with an answer, which was all the answer Verin needed. He nodded slowly. He may not have known anything about books or magic, but he knew people. "I want to meet him some day. Maybe invite him to dinner. He can meet the rest of the Den."

"We're not... it's not that simple," Essek replied. He couldn't imagine introducing Caleb to his Den; they hadn't even told the Nein they were together yet.

"Why not?"

"He's... different. He's not like the others."

"Wait, there are _others?"_

"Verin. Why is it so hard to imagine anyone could be interested in me?"

"Because you're... _you!"_ He answered, with a vague gesture. "You float everywhere and you're ninety five percent mantle! You aren't exactly... approachable."

Essek swallowed hard, ran a hand through his hair. He really wasn't going to ask his obnoxious little brother for help, was he? Before he could stop himself, he was already asking his obnoxious little brother for help.

"How would you suggest I... make myself more approachable?" He asked, already regretting the words as they left his mouth.

Verin looked almost as confused as Essek felt. He had never asked him for help before.

"Are you being serious?"

Essek's mouth became a thin line. This was so stupid. He already _knew_ Caleb liked him, he didn't have to change, but... he wanted to. He had survived this long by keeping everyone at a safe distance, but... maybe he didn't want to be that person anymore. Maybe Verin could help. He just had to survive the humiliation of hearing his little brother dissolve into laughter, clapping like a seal.

"Start by taking off that ridiculous mantle," he suggested when he calmed down. Essek undid his mantle and cast it off. Verin did a onceover of Essek's elegant but simple robes, walking in a circle around him, hand on chin. "These clothes are pretty drab. Maybe wear something with a bit of colour, or some jewellery? And grow your hair out, it's far too short! We'll never be able to marry you off."

Verin reached out to muss Essek's hair, but he batted his brother's hand away. He had spent far too long perfecting it in a mirror that morning before Caleb woke up. In their bed. He was still warming up to that idea, to waking up next to Caleb.

"If you touch my hair again I _will_ kill you," Essek hissed, as Verin continued his examination, smiling good-naturedly and ignoring his brother's threats.

"Well you still dress like a priest of the Luxon. Maybe if you show a little skin...?"

Essek grimaced. Maybe Verin was the wrong person to ask for fashion advice. He rarely saw him out of armour.

"Do you have any advice that doesn't involve dressing like a harlot?" He asked with a sigh.

"You're already wearing a _very_ short skirt over those leggings," Verin tsked, fangs gleaming white.

"They're called robes! All mages wear them."

"I never said there was anything wrong with them! I'm just saying if you want to preserve your modesty... a longer dress might be called for."

"Don't you have a city to look after in the ruins somewhere?"

"Why would I go back when I am having such fun here? Bazzoxan can look after itself for a few days." He said with a shrug. "I'd rather catch-up with my big brother!" Then he hugged Essek against his will, ruffling him even more than he had when he tried to mess with his hair. "So what are they like, these new friends of yours?"

A pause. Essek chewed his lower lip, considering Verin for a long moment, weighing the pros and cons of answering that question seriously. 

"They're... fun. They like to play pranks on each other. They are easy to overlook... even I overlooked them, when we first met... but they are dilligent and hardworking, once they have a goal in mind, and work all the better together. Jester introduced me to cupcakes, and made me this parasol." He gestures to the neatly folded parasol atop his desk. "She is also a talented artist. Caduceus, a cleric for the Wildmother, makes the most excellent tea in Wildemount. Veth is an expert sniper who dabbles in alchemy. Beau is an Expositor from the Cobat Soul with a heart of gold. Yasha is from Xhorhas, but not the Dynasty. She is strong, but gentle, and becoming as skilled at playing the harp as she is with a sword. Fjord is... I am not sure what to make of Fjord, yet."

 _"Fun,"_ Verin repeated, the word sticking to his mouth like peanut butter. "What about this human of yours?"

Essek's lips twitched. "He's tall, handsome, _extremely_ clever... and very good at magic."

Verin shot him a quizzical look. "Another wizard?" 

"Yes, _'another wizard,'_ " Essek echoed, "but this one has a cat, and specialises in transmutation magic. He's moved in. Sort of." He met Verin's eyes, and his gaze softened. "Verin, I really like him. I think this time it's going to be different."

"If you're that serious about him... maybe you should invite him to dinner. You never know! Mother might like him." Essek glowered, eyes darting back to the floor, and he took to pacing. Verin was always defending their mother, even though he couldn't understand her. He had taken after their father. 

"Mother doesn't like _anyone._ Why should she like him? Because I do?" He scoffed. "She would dislike him on principle, because he's from the Empire. She would do something humiliating, for both of us, like forbid me from seeing him, and make a scene."

"She didn't mind when I brought home that barmaid I met in the Gallimaufrey. Maybe she'll surprise you."

Their mother had never done, or said, anything to surprise Essek before. He didn't see why she would start now.

Verin shook his head, extended a hand. "I know we haven't always seen eye to eye, but I _am_ happy for you, Essek. I'm glad you've finally made some friends."

Essek took his hand, tentatively, shook it. The thought suddenly dawned on him that this might really be the last time he ever saw his brother.

"Verin? Take care of yourself. These are strange times."

"You too," Verin responded, as he moved for the door. He hesitated before leaving. "You only have one life. Don't waste it."

Essek's glance flitted up, but Verin was out the door before he could say another word, and Essek thought better of chasing him. Verin knew he wasn't consecuted. One of their parents must have told him. Everyone else in Rosohna thought he was consecuted. Just one of the many reasons he wanted out. The web of lies he had been forced to weave around himself by his Den, the Bright Queen, and the Cerberus Assembly... had become a tangled mess he no longer knew how to unravel. But he wanted to try, with the Nein's help. He wanted to find a way.

☆☆☆

It wouldn't take long for Essek to finish up his business in the Dynasty. He just wanted to ensure the Peace Talks went smoothly, and that he could easily have a way out once this was over. Once he had cut all ties with his Den and the Bright Queen... he wanted to leave Rosohna as quickly as possible. Caleb was still an ongoing problem. Maybe 'problem' was the wrong word—he _liked_ having Caleb around, far more than he should. He liked having someone to come home to, liked giving Caleb free reign over his tower, and seeing him carve his way through Essek's library with even more fervour than Essek had.

He got so used to having Caleb around, that he felt it, the day he came home to find him missing. When he did eventually arrive, it was clutching a scroll, and looking... apprehensive.

"Caduceus left another houseplant on the doorstep," Essek announced, when he set down a plate of food in front of Caleb. The human didn't even look up. "Is something wrong, Caleb?"

"Nothing's wrong. Why would something be wrong?"

"You look like you've seen a ghost."

"I brought you a scroll," he said, a delayed reaction. He jutted the hand holding the scroll out towards Essek, who took it from him with a quiet smile, unwound it. Nothing he hadn't seen before, but he still appreciated the thought.

"Thank you very much," he said, briefly glancing at the page before dipping down to kiss the top of Caleb's head, where he was seated at the end of the table, a hand on his shoulder.

He frowned, eyes flitting down and away. "It's nothing, I... they didn't have the one I was looking for."

"It's still a very useful spell, thank you."

Essek sat down at the table, started eating. Frumpkin jumped up onto Caleb's lap, and he stroked him mechanically, but this time it didn't calm him down.

"I'm not... _allowed_ to be happy, am I?" Caleb finally said, after the silence had stretched too long for comfort. "The Nein are my family. They're real, and they need me, but instead... I'm here, playing house with you. It isn't real."

"What isn't real?" Essek asked, setting down his silverware. "Who told you this wasn't real?"

"We've wasted so much time here. Beau was right. I'm putting them all in danger by staying with you, by letting myself be _blinded_ by... how much I wanted you... I can't throw away everything I've worked so hard for f-for.. _this."_

Essek frowned. "If you want to return to your friends..." he started, carefully, as he rose to his feet to join Caleb. It felt like he was walking across hot coals. All he could hear was Caleb wanted to leave. He wasn't enough. Of course he wasn't enough. How could he ever expect Caleb to choose him over his friend? Over anyone?

"The Bright Queen doesn't care whether we live or die. She would feed us to the flames if it meant she could continue her war of vengeance. The only reason we're still alive is because you have vouched for us, but... it can't last forever, can it?"

Essek hesitated. He was out of his depths here. He wanted to comfort Caleb, but he still had no idea _how._

"Do you want it to last?" He asked.

Caleb closed his eyes, exhaled. He reached forward, took up Essek's hand. "I want it to last. I could so easily stay here with you, and lock the door, and forget the world... but our friends need us."

"I can take you back to them. It will take me at least another day to put my affairs in order, but.." Caleb lifted Essek's hand to his face before he could finish. Essek held it there, when he let go. "What are you doing?"

"I won't go until you kiss me." Essek still looked confused. He would need help. Caleb grabbed hold of his robes, dragged him closer. Essek made a noise, than kissed his mouth, unsure. Caleb deepened the kiss, drawing it out. When they broke off, Caleb dragged down the sleeve of his robe to kiss his neck, then his shoulder. 

"Are you trying to undress me?" He clarified, blinking, as Caleb struggled with the clasps of his robe, which had been caught in a heavy layer of fabric. "Caleb, slow down," he chided gently, giving Caleb a light shove back so he could undo the snared clasp himself. Then he undid his belt, and easily slipped out of the robes, so he was dressed only in his leggings, boots, and gloves. The gloves were easy enough to cast off, but he left the boots on, for now.

Caleb was staring at him, now, in a rather brazen way, so he gave him a smug smirk, before moving forward, arms outstretched, to pull him into another rushed kiss before he tried to get him out of his own robes. Essek tried to ease him in the direction of the sofa, but they ended up on the floor, instead, Essek in Caleb's lap, leading him back into another kiss every time they broke away to shed another article of clothing. The book harness was particularly tricky to get out of.

"If the Bright Queen asked you to arrest me, would you?" Caleb suddenly asked, bringing up one knee.

"Caleb, is this really the time..." Essek was not enjoying the interruption, or the sudden distance, however short, between their bodies.

"If she found out I was a Scourger. If she thought I was still one. What's stopping her?"

"Why would I arrest you? I'm leaving my country for you!" A pause, as he rolled onto his elbows, and off of Caleb, to level a sidelong look in his direction. "What brought this on? You heard something, didn't you?"

"I heard the peace talks are a ruse. The Bright Queen suspects we are double agents, working with the Empire to shield the mole. Which we are, in a way. Essek, we are shielding you. That makes us traitors, too."

"How can you be traitors? You never claimed to have any loyalty to the Dynasty." Essek replied, unsure how to respond to Caleb's sudden bout of paranoia. "What do you want me to do?"

"I think you should talk to the Bright Queen. She wouldn't listen to us, but... she might listen to you."

"You know I'd do anything in my power to protect you and your friends, Caleb." 

Caleb nodded, kissed the corner of Essek's mouth. "I know. I'm sorry, I'm just worried... what if we can't?"

Essek sat up, and so did Caleb as the elf leant in to kiss both sides of Caleb's face, delicately. "We will get through this, Caleb. We will win. There is strength in numbers. Our enemies might be powerful, but they can't work together. If we play this right, we can set them one against the other, and no more innocents will have to get caught-up in the crossfire."

Caleb took hold of his neck with strong, square, calloused hands, and gently tugged him closer, back into his orbit. "Are you coming to bed?" He asked in a low voice.

It wasn't particularly late, but before he could protest, Caleb's hard mouth was on his. He smiled into the kiss, as Caleb turned over onto his back, dragging Essek with him, so he was leaning over him, a knee on either side of his waist. 

There was no more power shift. They were equals now, giving and taking affection like forgiveness. Essek felt so small, and warm, and pliant, when Caleb ran his hands over him, and more alive than he had felt in... decades. It was no longer a question of trust. He trusted him absolutely. He had given him free reign over his tower. His life. His body. Another kiss, longer and slower and deeper than the last, drew out the most delightful moan from the human mage beneath him.

"I'll race you," he suggested with a smirk, moving to his feet. It took Caleb a moment to recover.

"Fine, but no floating!"

"Don't tell me you _still_ haven't learned how to levitate! What do you do in here all day while I'm at work?" Essek asked before crossing the furniture. He gave one last long look at Caleb, who now looked red all over before darting toward the stairs.

Caleb rolled his eyes and clambered to his feet before murmurring a haste spell, eyes flashing amber. Tomorrow, they'd be reunited with their friends. Tonight was theirs. He knew this understanding between them, the acknowledgment of an attraction which could not be ignored, might not last forever. It might not even last to the end of the week. But it worried him how much he wanted it to. How much he was enjoying the way Essek could make the heart he didn't know he had race, with a word or look. How much he wanted more of... _this_ , not just the lessons and spells, but the games, the teasing, his body pressed against Caleb's as he kissed his neck and begged for more. Even reading together, curled up on the sofa or the bed, legs interwoven, had been something... he did not predict, and did not think he deserved, but there was no use denying the high he felt whenever Essek touched or kissed him, so he kept chasing it, and tried to ignore the dawning realisation that maybe, just maybe, he was falling in love.

☆☆☆

Everything was _fine,_ until Caleb appeared, unannounced, in the Lucid Bastion, demanding an audience with her majesty, the Bright Queen. Essek remained seated, but alert, as the guards led him into the throne room before her. Caleb was clearly angry. He had to be, to come here without first warning Essek. He had overheard another rumour about the Heroes of Dynasty having 'outlived their usefullness' in the eyes of the Bright Queen. He accused her, to her face, of planning to provoke an attack from the Empire at these peace talks. If the Nein got caught in the crossfire... they would be no great loss. The Bright Queen tried to convince Caleb these rumours were baseless, but Caleb would not be persuaded. The High General nearly interceded, but something held her back. She shot Essek a long look, seemed to be waiting for him to say something. Caleb was his ward, after all. His responsibility. He was the one who had vouched for the Nein so many times before, the one who had worked so hard to keep their heads attached to their necks. If only they knew _how_ hard he had to work just to keep them alive, maybe they wouldn't regularly storm the Lucid Bastion without first warning him.

"Would you really jeoparadise everything we worked so hard for, and the lives of _thousands_ of innocents, for the sake of some petty rivalry? For _vengeance?"_ Caleb demanded.

As soon as he saw the Bright Queen tense, smile dissipating into a firm, hard line as she rose from her throne... he could not remain silent any longer. He rose from his chair and glided forward, and to his side, raising a hand before she could speak.

"Please, your majesty..." He bowed. "Forgive him for speaking out of turn. He has been carried away by emotion," he began, or tried to. Caleb grabbed hold of his arm.

"I'm not standing down, Essek. The people of the Dynasty deserve better than a monarch who would put their own interests before their protection."

The Bright Queen shifted in her throne. "Men have been killed for saying less," she observed, casually. 

"I'm not afraid of death. I don't care what happens to me."

"Some of us do," Essek diffidently replied under his breath.

Caleb's eyes darted to him, and the hand still resting on Essek's arm sank lower. They stared one another down for a long moment before Caleb finally let go. Essek drew a step away from Caleb's side and composed himself. He could feel the eyes of a hundred nobles on him, and it made the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end. He looked to his Queen, saw she was still staring at Caleb, mouth set, chin raised, armour gleaming.

"There has evidently been some... misunderstanding. There is no truth to these rumours which trouble you. I have every intention of carrying out my word and securing these peace talks, for 'the good of my people.' You and your companions are at no more risk than my soldiers and informants are. If our dispute with the Empire _can_ be resolved peacefully... then it will be. You may disagree with my methods... but make no mistake: I do not relish the loss of Dynasty lives. If I did not think this war necessary and unavoidable... I would not have entered into it. But the Empire crossed a line, took from us what we hold most dear. My anger is not over a private wrong, but over a wrong against my people." She paused, eyes flitting to the Dusk Captain, then back to Caleb. "Is there anything I can offer you that would... assure you of your friends safety during these negotations?" She asked, drawing a hand up to her chin.

Caleb's gaze returned to Essek who still looked wide-eyed, nervous. "Send him with us," he said, indicating Essek. "You wouldn't leave your Shadowhand to die at the hands of the Assembly."

The Bright Queen arched a brow, glanced at Essek, who was floundering, before turning her attention back to Caleb.

"I don't want my enemies to know my spymaster by sight."

“He can dress like one of the guards. No one will know who he is. We won’t introduce him by name.”

Essek watched his life flash before his eyes as the Bright Queen deliberated in silence for a few minutes before speaking.

“...Essek? Do you agree to this? It is your life you would be putting on the line.”

“I will accompany them, if that is what they wish. I have faith in their abilities.” Essek shot Caleb a withering look. “And in your judgment, my Queen. You have been most magnanimous.”

Another bow, and he returned to his chair. All eyes were on him, now, but he did his best to ignore them. The Courtiers expected this sort of behaviour from a human, they led short, violent, and brutish lives... but for Essek? This was new. And it did not go unnoticed.

Caleb shot him one last long, significant look as he was led out of the Bastion. Essek wanted to speak to him immediately, but he knew there would be talk enough without him shirking his duties to chase after his 'ward.'

The moment he returned to his study, it started. His mother was waiting for him when he opened the door, arms crossed, temper like a tinderbox, moments from igniting. Before he could greet her, he noted the Dusk Captain was also present. He would have to get around to thanking her for that one day.

"How could you let a human treat you like that!" Deitra exclaimed the moment Essek glided in, letting the door fall closed behind him. The High General was leaning against a bookshelf, arms crossed, a smirk across her face.

"We seem to be seeing a lot of each other, lately," Essek observed quietly. The General nodded.

"He touched you! In front of everyone!"

"You make it sound so scandalous! All he did was take his arm," Quana interceded, on his behalf.

Essek mentally recited a few familiar incantations, along with the corresponding components.

"You clearly don’t know my son," Dietra shot back.

"I think I know him better than you," Quana snapped, drawing herself up to full height. The full plate armour made her look even more intimidating.

 _"Please._ I am in the room," Essek reminded them quietly, only half-listening. He shot Quana a grateful smile. He was sincerely grateful for her presence.

Dietra Thelyss glared at him. "What is your relationship with this human? I have already heard reports you have invited him into your home."

"From your spies, or mine?" Essek asked, raising one brow. "And what difference does it make, who I invite into my home?"

"It's not only your reputation on the line, but the reputation of Den Thelyss. I cannot pretend to understand your... inclinations, but if you wanted to pursue a human... surely you could have been more discreet. Now half of Rosohna knows this man has you wrapped around his finger. How do you think that makes _me_ look? Your mother, who brought you into this world and raised you?"

"You may have brought me into this world but you never raised me. You had people to do that for you. You always have people to do everything for you. I don't see any harm in inviting my friends to stay in my home. I don't see any harm in defending them, when they are in danger. That's what friends do. They protect each other."

"I can see the way you look at him. I'm not blind," she continued, talking over him. "You must know how this looks. If it gets out that you're courting a human..."

"What would you have me do? Abandon my friends? Leave them to the mercy of the Court?" Essek asked.

 _"Friends,"_ Dietra scoffed, raising a hand to her temple. "You are the Shadowhand, Essek. You cannot have friends. Least of all friends who could be spies."

"Anyone could be a spy," Essek remarked quietly. 

"What was that?"

"Nothing, Mother."

She gave a curt nod before continuing. "Love is a weakness, and desire, easy to manipulate. Have you forgotten everything I taught you?"

"No, Mother." Essek's glare was a fair match for hers, but she didn't back down.

The General cleared her throat.

"If you've finished upbraiding the Shadowhand... could you please give us a moment?" She asked, draping an arm around Dietra's shoulder as she gently guided her towards the door. "We need to finalise plans for the peace talks."

She shook her head, shot Essek one last look. "Good luck with your plans, and your Empire friends. Don’t come crying to me when they betray you."

Both Quana and Essek watched as the door fell closed behind her, before Quana turned to face him, breathing a sigh of relief.

"So what are these plans of yours?" Essek asked, picking up the portfolio he had compiled for their negotiations. He might as well bring that with him, now that he was going, too.

"...I'll be honest, we don't really have much of a plan. I thought we'd go with your ward's suggestion. Dress you up like a soldier, send along a few guards so you won't stand out. But that means I will need to have you fitted for armour before the ship leaves. Will that be a problem?"

"Not at all," Essek replied, deftly twirling a quill between his fingers. "I have never travelled at sea before. It will be a new experience. So many new experiences."

The General nodded, considering him for a long moment. "Are you in love with this human?"

"He has a name, you know."

"Are you in love with Caleb Widogast?" Quana Kryn corrected. It would have been the simplest thing in the world to lie, to deny it, but... he respected Quana too much to lie to her face.

"It wasn't something I predicted, or planned for, but... I haven't cared for anyone the way I care for him." A pause. "I don't know if he feels the same way. Sometimes I worry it's just... loneliness, or biology, a chemical reaction which makes me think he means it when he claims to... to care for me, too."

"You are young," Quana responded, as if that explained anything.

"I might be young, but I'm not a complete fool. I know better..." he stopped himself, remembering how quickly, how easily, Caleb had disabled all his defenses, when he first took his face in his hands and kissed him, offered him a path for redemption, and then later, when he'd kissed him in the hull of that rusted old ship, and he'd felt all the will leave his bones, sinking so happily into his arms that he forgot all about his grand plan. It had once seemed so important. He had been prepared to stake everything on its success. So why did he give up, so easily? Why did he give it all up for him? For the Nein? Just because they were _nice_ to him? "...Or, I should know better... than to get involved with one of my wards... and I have _tried_ , but... I cannot help the way I feel. I have never been drawn to anyone the way I was drawn to him. I can't resist this... this light he radiates, like a Beacon..." Oh, gods. He was saying this out loud, wasn't he? His eyes widened. He looked up at the Dusk Captain, who was smiling fondly.

"You really have fallen in love!" She declared, shaking her head with a whistle. "You have nothing to be ashamed of," she reassured him, but he did not look convinced.

"It's a weakness. My mother is right."

"Does he make you happy? Is he kind to you?"

"He makes me happy and miserable and angry, all at the same time."

"You love him, alright." A pause. "As for the rest of the Nein... you trust them?" Essek couldn't tell whether that was a statement or a question.

"They may be... reckless, at times, but I believe they are capable and trustworthy emissaries. We can depend on them."

Quana nodded. "I know my wife has her doubts but I trust your discernment. I will put in a good word for them."

"Thank you."

She headed for the door, stopped.

"You know what, Shadowhand?"

"Yes, General?"

"I think this assignment has been good for you. I've never seen you smile before like you mean it."

Essek smiles, but does not respond. Quana had no idea _how_ good meeting the Nein had been for him.

"If he breaks your heart, I will throw him into the deepest, darkest pit I can find."

He made a mental note to introduce the Dusk Captain to Yasha.

"Duly noted. Thank you, again. Good day, General."

"Good day, Shadowhand."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, a longer than expected one to make up for the wait. Life has been kind of insane lately, but I am back and will endeavour to finish this + my other WIPs! It was only going to be four chapters long initially, but given they're not even on the fsdkgmlfmhl boat yet I might be able to get an extra chapter in. Back to your regularly scheduled Nein + Assembly antics next week. I wasn't planning on introducing Verin so early but,,, I really like Verin and my hand slipped I'm not to blame.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Hey lads! Sorry this chapter's running late, I have been very sick, but the euphoria from Critical Role returning made me rush to finish it. Only one and a half more chapters to go! Thanks for reading this far, all kudos and comments appreciated 🖤_
> 
> _While we're at it, happy pride month! Hope everyone is staying safe._

_"Wait!"_ Caleb called, and Essek's hand stopped midair, the incantation to take him to the _Wind of Eons_ already on his lips. He turned his head to look over his shoulder. Before he could ask 'why,' Caleb had already crossed the small, airless ship cabin and pulled Essek into a kiss, and folded him in his arms. "Be careful. If anything goes wrong, you can always send a message to me, or Jester, or..."

"I know," Essek insisted, cupping the side of Caleb's face as he drew back, arms still loosely wrapped around the dark elf's slender waist. "Will this be okay? Seeing them again?"

"I am more worried about you, mein leuchtender Stern."

"You know I don't speak Zemnian."

"I know," Caleb replied with a smug smirk that made Essek's heart feel things he didn't know it could. He smiled back meekly.

"Remember: if you feel overwhelmed for any reason... just give me the signal, and I will take you away." Caleb nodded, demonstrating the phrase in sign language Essek had taught him.

He smiled approvingly, letting his hands slide up Caleb's neck and over his tiny round ears. He felt tempted to kiss him, but something held him back. He tilted his face to one side, looking Caleb over, as if seeing him for the first time. How beautiful he was. This was going to be a hard couple days, if they had to be apart, yet so close. They had only just left Rosohna, and already the colour was beginning to return to Caleb. Sunlight really was his element. The irony was not lost on Essek.

"Are you afraid of them?" Caleb asked.

"Not anymore."

"Then neither am I."

Caleb kissed him gently.

"I'm so glad you are staying once all this is over," he added, before loosening his hold on the dark elf. "Stay safe, mein Liebchen." 

A nod. "I will be back before you know it," Essek promised, biting his lower lip before the words _I love you_ tumbled out. Caleb was the best thing that had happened to him in... a very long time. He didn't want to ruin this.

Essek let go of Caleb, then finished casting his spell. In another moment—he was gone, and Caleb was alone. He pulled closer his coat, and murmurred under his breath the words to summon Frumpkin. Caleb took a deep breath before parting the door, then allowed the fey cat to pass through before returning to the others.

* * *

_"Will_ _that be all, Shadowhand?" Ludinus asked with a grin, cocking his head to one side._

 _Essek was frowning intently and gazing to the floor, teacup in hand._ _"There is one more thing you should know. I won't be attending the peace talks."_

_"What a shame. I would give you our notes now, but... they are not in my possession. Afterwards. Once things have quieted down."_

_Essek nodded, still frowning. He set down the teacup. The more he spoke with the Martinet, the less he believed these notes even existed, or if they did, that he would ever willingly surrender them._ _Why take the trouble? It would be so much easier for him to kill Essek. He licked his lips, closed his eyes, tried to find his focus. He went through a mental list of his components. A black marble. A bag full of iron fillings. A nine-pointed star...  
_

_"I'm sure your friends will be glad to have you back."_

_Essek's eyes finally darted back up._ _"When they return... perhaps."_

_"Well, I'll be glad to have them out of my hair. They do have an... alarming tendency to show up at the most inopportune times, don't they?" A beat. "Did you enjoy the party?"_

_He shook his head, drank his tea. "I hate parties."_

_"But you danced with Caleb Widogast."_

_"I was trying to blend in."_

_"You weren't trying very hard."_

_The Martinet barely blinked. It was unnerving, particularly when paired with that customer service smile.  
_

_"How much, exactly, did you know about Trent's training methods?" Essek asked._

_Ludinus waved his hand through the air._ _"It's not important. He gets results. That's all that matters."_

_Essek baulked. "It's important to me. If I had known the sort of people I was working with..."_

_"What?" Ludinus shot back without hesitation. "If you had known... what, exactly, would you have done differently? Who would you go to, to learn more about your precious beacons? You'd be strung up in Ghor Dranas as a heretic and a blasphemer, and outside of the Assembly... you were never going to find the answers you seek. You need us as much, if not more, than we needed you."_

Ghor Dranas, _he thought, eyes narrowing._ He still calls it Ghor Dranas. Five guesses what he calls you, when you're not around.

_"Maybe there are more important things than... beacons," he suggested, eyes darting down to the floorboards._

_"I hate to be the one to remind you, but you could still very easily be strung up as a heretic and traitor in your country or mine, if we wanted."_

_"You keep saying 'we' when you mean 'I'."_

_"This partnership has been advantageous thus far. Don't tell me you want to back out now, just because you've suddenly grown a conscience."_

_He was mocking him. He thought he was weak, for choosing the Nein over his own, private, insatiable need for more knowledge, whatever the cost.  
_

_Tremulously, he raised his head to ask: "Do you know what Trent did to Caleb? Could you have stopped it?"  
_

_"What Trent requires of his protegés is... unpleasant, but necessary._ _Don't tell me the Dynasty has a more humane way of training its killers."_

_"You could have stopped him."  
_

_Ludinus gave a heavy sigh, shook his head. "Bren is a trained killer. It's all he's good for. Sooner or later, he will realise that, and come back."_

_"I don't believe that."_

_"Maybe you don't, but we've already established you barely know the man." A pause, as he looked to Essek with something akin to pity. "_ _Do you have any idea how many traitors he killed before he snapped? He could have been sent to kill you, if things had worked out a little differently. But we all have our allotted part to play in life."_

_Essek shook his head. "I don't believe that. We make our own destinies. He is so much more than what you've made him."_

_Another sigh, and Ludinus turned his head, began to walk away. "I don't wish to argue philosophy. You can believe what you like. Now, if you don't mind, I have work to do..."_

* * *

Essek teleported into the Captain's quarters of the Balleater, where the Nein were busy arguing. He marched past them, immediately started pacing in an easy rhythm.

"We need to get back on that ship. I think Vess is there. Trent may be, as well, for all I know. Ludinus was too eager to get rid of me, I'm sure he's hiding something."

They all turned to stare at him, wide-eyed. He stopped pacing, eyes darting between them. "What?"

"You want us to go and do... what, case his ship?" Beau asked, raising her head. 

"I can get us on the _Wind of Eons_ ," Caleb suggested, gesturing between Beau and him.

"We could tell them we're there to inspect the Beacon," Beau suggested.

 _"Perfect,"_ Essek replied. "Just be quick about it. I don't trust them."

"None of us do," Fjord interjected, shaking his head.

The Nein went back to... whatever argument they had been having before his return, and Essek went back to pacing anxiously. It was just beginning to hit home what he had done. What they were doing. It was one thing to quit his job and leave the Dynasty, quite another, to make an enemy of the entire Assembly.

He needed his notes first. That was paramount. They promised him notes, as soon as these negotiations were concluded. After that... well, he wouldn't mind if the entire Assembly went up in smoke.

Something touched his shoulder, startling him from his thoughts. He turned to see Caleb standing there with a look of concern.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

Essek's eyes widened. He leaned back.

"Yes, but... I am worried. I think you're right." _They only want to use me. I should have known. "_ Trent doesn't want to give back the Beacon. He might pose a threat to our plans."

Jester crooned her neck, violet eyes shining, as she slammed her hands down on the table. "Sounds like we're going to have to steal it!"

"No one said anything about stealing," Essek shot back. He wished the Nein appreciated how powerful their enemy was. It would be far more difficult stealing a beacon from the Assembly than a sealed off Temple of the Luxon.

"We're not stealing the beacon. We're just going to pay them a visit. Make sure it's still in one piece. Come back. Easy," Caleb clarified. He still had his hand on Essek's shoulder, utterly disabling him. He lowered his voice. "But _are you_ okay, my friend? You look as though you've had a shock."

Essek drew in a shaky breath, forced a smile. "As well as can be expected." His gaze darted to the others, then returned to Caleb. "I think he's lying to me. I think he's been lying all along. They're using me, I know they are, but... I still want my notes. Does that make me a terrible person?" He asked, his voice a whisper. The others had grown louder. Laughing and trading stories. Attention was pulled, but they were still standing too close. Essek felt keenly how close they were, when he had to keep his hands in fists at his side so he didn't wrap his arms around Caleb the moment he saw him, and thank all the gods he didn't worship that he managed to escape that bastard's clutches.

"The Assembly's research notes?" Caleb clarified.

Essek nodded. His fingers were itching to move forward, to meet Caleb's. How precious it was, to be here, to have a few moments together. How short their lives could be, if this delicate transaction ended badly. He wondered if Caleb felt it, too. The same deep fear of losing something you had only just found.

Caleb shrugged. "I took Halas' notes, and I don't exactly approve of _his_ methods..."

"We think he's a cannibal!" Jester called over her shoulder, ears perking up at the mere mention of the archmage's name.

"I just feel like... all of this, all I've done, all I've _risked,_ for the last three years... would amount to nothing, if I give up those notes. But... I am not the same man I was three years ago. I wouldn't make the same decision, if I had a chance to make that choice over again. I can't justify how much I want the prize they're holding over my head, even though I _know_ these people are using me... and I hate them so much I want to eviscerate them, for what they've done to you, I want to make them _scream..."_

He raised a hand to Caleb's face, stopped halfway. Caleb clasped his arm at the wrist. The sentiment sounded more romantic in his head. Outloud, it just sounded mad, angry, vindictive. It's not as if he enjoyed torturing people. But these people were different. They had hurt his friends. Threatened them.

"Maybe we should talk about this somewhere else," Caleb suggested.

"Right. Yes. Of course."

"Here? Tonight?"

"Tonight," Essek repeated, nodding faintly, and Caleb withdrew. He waited another ten or fifteen minutes before making some excuse to leave his own room and walk the deck. A darkness spell remained cast over the ship, to accomodate a small number of mostly drow Kryn soldiers in attendance on their ship at the request of the Bright Queen. Essek wasn't sure whether to be grateful for their presence or worried. On one hand, they would jump to his aid if the ship came under attack... on the other hand, it meant keeping servants of the Bright Queen very close during a precarious encounter, where the truth of his crimes may so easily come to light.

He pushed these thoughts out of his head as he stood alone on the deck, admiring the sea. Eventually one of the Kryn soldiers, who looked like a new recruit, wandered over to remind him to wear armour when walking the deck. Their words were couched by too much bowing and ceremony, but Essek smiled, charmed by their bravery, and assured them he would start tomorrow. It was concerning, he later reflected, that it had taken a perfect stranger to remind him that while worrying for the safety of his friends, he had completely neglected his own.

His gaze returned to the horizon. It still didn't feel real, the possibility they might rise up against the Assembly and _win._ None of this would have felt possible a month ago. A year ago. _Alone._ He would enjoy killing Trent Ikithon very much. The mental picture was enough to make him smile.

* * *

_"I want to see Trent," Essek demanded._

_"My dear Shadowhand..."_

_"I'm not dear and I'm not yours. Where. Is. Trent."_

_"I don't like the man either, but I can't have you interrogating members of my assembly..."_

_"I only want to ask him a few questions."_

_"Do you think your Scourger's case is special? He is just one in a hundred mages, chosen at random. He is not a prodigy, like you. He just got lucky. A mage from a poor family, who wouldn't be missed. Farmers. Yes, I read his file. Our recent meeting picqued my interest._ _He would never have amounted to anything, if we didn't take pity on him. And it made him so happy, to serve his country! To learn new spells, with which to defend it! So happy. He did not mind being a pawn to a power so much greater than him, just like those mindless followers of the Luxon you so despise. They are dogs, born to obey, with no mind of their own. Trent brought him to heel."_

_Essek tasted bile rising in the back of his throat. He felt tempted to rip Ludinus' throat open. But something held him back. Was it the notes? Was he really so desperate for those notes he would endure this? Was he any better than those who slavishly served their deity or nation, just because his god was an idea?_

_One day, he will prove you wrong, Essek thought, but held his tongue. He knew Caleb was destined for greatness, but for the moment... perhaps it was for the best the Assembly underestimated him. There was strength in that. Essek knew from first hand experience, how much power there was in allowing people to think you are weak, because you are in your first life, because you are young... then stealing their breath away the day they realise while they weren't looking, you outstriped them all._

_"Is he with the second beacon? The one you tried to hide from me?"_

_"You know how powerful these relics are. Don't tell me you wouldn't try to keep it for yourself, in my place."_

_He hated that answer because he knew it was true. If he had found a new beacon, he certainly wouldn't tell them. He wouldn't tell the Dynasty, either. He would be selfish. He would keep it for himself._

_"Anyway, it is Trent's pet project, not mine."  
_

_"Which brings me back to my initial question..."_

_"No." Ludinus answered firmly, extending a hand to say 'stop.' "Your private vendetta against the Archmage of Security doesn't fit into our agreement. I am your liaison. You will go through me, not Trent. He has enough on his plate, trying to finalise the research you made possible."_

_What a kind reminder he had no one to blame but himself._

* * *

There was a knock at his door. He stirred from his books, where he'd slunk, moments away from slipping into a trance. He went to answer it. Caleb stood in his doorway, looking suitably dishevelled. "You're late," Essek observed, trying to look unimpressed to hide his relief. He had almost given up hope and gone to bed.

Caleb pressed inside and let the door fall closed behind him, a hand on Essek's chest as he marched him a few steps backwards, before pulling him into a long, deep kiss.

"I've missed you," he murmurred under his breath when he pulled away. Essek kissed him again, more hungry than before, hands reaching up to circle him, and draw him closer. "Missed this."

"Then stay here with me."

"It was hard enough just getting away from the others! I had to wait until they fell asleep."

"Tell them you're working on a difficult spell."

"In the middle of the night?" Essek dipped his head to nip at Caleb's neck, his shoulder. The bites were followed, in quick succession, by kisses. Cruel, but tender. "In _your_ quarters? They're not stupid."

Essek easily guided Caleb across his room. More kisses, searching hands. This was nice. Caleb was so much warmer than the night.

"If I had my way, you'd never leave my bed," he said, before nicking his human's ear. Caleb pulled away, mumbling _ow,_ and Essek immediately drew back with a pained expression. He gently caressed Caleb's poor ear, which had gone bright red. "I'm sorry, love. Did I hurt you?"

Caleb shook his head, the red spreading across his pale freckled face. "It's fine. I like it," he muttered. His eyes flashed as he pushed Essek down, so his back hit the bed, before clambering over him. He raised both of Essek's arms up over his head, helping him out of his robes before pinning both his arms down against the bed, on either side of Essek's head. The drow gave a small, involuntary groan as he pressed a knee against his chest. "I like you," Caleb insisted, as if he had not already made that sentiment abundantly clear.

Essek tried to move forward to kiss him, but Caleb was still holding him down, a knee now on either side of his slender waist. So he let his head fall back down onto the bed and stopped resisting. It would be very easy to overpower him if he wanted, he wouldn't even need magic, but... his curiousity had been picqued. He wanted to see where this would go. 

"I want to show you how much I love you. Need you. Want you," he purred in a low voice. This time, Caleb didn't flinch at the word 'love.' He was smiling fondly down at him, with so much admiration... but he wasn't doing anything, and Essek had only so much patience left. 

"Wouldn't you rather talk about the mechanics of chronurgy?" Caleb replied, smile widened. He hadn't shaven in days, and the patchwork stubble spreading across his jaw, paired with long, unruly, windswept hair, made him look more rogueish than ever. It was a crime he couldn't touch it, touch him, pinned like this.

"If you came here to talk you chose an interesting way to start."

"I can multitask," Caleb bragged, because he knew Essek couldn't. He bent down briefly to kiss his neck, before his head bobbed up, and his eyes locked with Essek's. "I didn't think I would get so used to having you around, but... I like having you around."

Even here, in this rather precarious position, when Caleb's interest in him was so blatantly obvious... Essek still couldn't help the way his heart ached at the admission. Maybe Caleb didn't love him the way Essek loved him, but he _cared_ , and he wanted to share his time, his spells, his meals, his bed, and his life with him. He even lent him his familiar, when he stayed up late into the night working. Caleb trusted him. He allowed himself to be vulnerable before Essek. He could afford, just this once, to be vulnerable, too. To let Caleb take the lead, tell him what to do, to hold all the power.

He wanted to kiss him again but he still couldn't move. Reading his intent, Caleb crossed the distance for him, met his lips, and he closed his eyes, leaning up into the kiss as best he could. It wasn't the same without his arms, his hands. He wanted to run them up every inch of him. Wanted to get him out of those too-heavy clothes. Wanted to steal some of that fire. He tried to bring up one of his legs, but Caleb pushed it down. He had just enough freedom of movement to meet Caleb halfway, and he watched with unguarded pride as he made the human flush, followed by a sharp intake of breath before Caleb pulled him into another too-eager kiss.

This time, as he drew away, Essek's eyes opened to find Caleb examining him closely, with a soft smile, his growing need becoming more and more difficult to ignore. He wanted this. To be here, with him. He had chosen _him_. And it was all Essek could ask for, and more.

"I'm glad the feeling's mutual," Essek observed with a wide, cat-like grin, showing his teeth.

"I want to tie you up," Caleb declared, finally releasing his arms and sliding one leg over Essek's side. Feeling slowly returned, but not the way he wanted it to. He hated parting, even only for a moment, felt colder than ever once Caleb had slipped out of his grasp. "Is that okay?"

 _"Oh, gods."_ Essek muttered, massaging his wrists.

"We don't have to! It was just an idea," Caleb stammered out, freezing.

"No, I want to! I just don't... I don't have any... what do you need, rope?"

Caleb had some kind of magic wire in his components pouch, because of course he did, and quickly returned to the bed, where he eased Essek back, gently, against a pillow, before guiding his arms up over his head and into place. Essek gave no resistance. His touch was still so light, so tender. "Is this comfortable?" he asked, before he began winding the wire around his crossed wrists. Essek gave a small nod. Speaking was difficult. He had forgotten how to breathe after that first kiss. "Use your words."

"Y-yes, Caleb, please, hurry up..." he muttered, impatient, but reverent. You can be both. Caleb finishing wrapping the tendrils of fine wire, until he couldn't move his arms, then settled back where he was before. He kissed, first, his lips, then his neck, eliciting a sharp exclamation of surprise when he used his teeth. "What was that for?"

"Revenge." Another kiss. Essek raised his knee, tried to wrap a leg up and over the human's, holding him down to make sure Caleb didn't forget who was really in control here. Caleb placed a hand on his chest, roughly pushed him down. He pulled his own tunic up over his head. Essek simple watched him, transfixed.

"If you leave me now, like this, I'd..."

"You'd what?"

"Die of longing." 

With a smile, he kissed Essek's forehead.

"I know a cure for that."

* * *

There was a sudden crash, and Caleb snapped awake. The room was still pitch black as he felt around him for Essek, only to find the bed empty. With a simple incantation, Vess de Rogna summoned dancing lights where she stood in the middle of the room. That took care of the lighting problem. Caleb swore under his breath and scrambled upright, before realising he was still naked. He took up a handful of sheets and drew them closer, self-consciously.

"I am sorry to intrude like this, Shadowhand, but I... oh," she said as she walked forward a few paces, before looking up to find the man in Essek's bed was not the dark elf she'd been expected, but a redheaded human. "You again. Bren, wasn't it? Trent's runaway."

"Caleb. Caleb Widogast," he corrected flatly. "What do you want with Essek?"

She briefly looked around the room, found it disappointingly free of elves. "Will he be back soon?" Caleb nodded. He had no idea where Essek was. He wished he knew Sending. For all he knew, Essek might be halfway to Taldorei by now. "Can you pass on a message for me?"

Another nod. Anything to get rid of her as quickly as possible.

"Good. The Martinet is... _displeased_ that he wishes to terminate our agreement early, but promises to give him the research notes he asked for as soon as this transaction is ended... on the condition nothing goes awry. Any interference would, obviously, dissolve the terms of their agreement." A pause, as she looked the wide-eyed, startled human up and down. His heart beat faster. He knew how vulnerable he was without his components, his chainmail, his _cat_. "But I am not telling you anything you don't know, am I?"

"I try not to meddle in his affairs. We have... an understanding. But I will pass on your message," he managed to get out, eventually, swallowing hard.

She nodded. The corner of her mouth quirked up in a half-smile. She looked vaguely elvhen, with thick dark hair only just beginning to go grey, and piercing green eyes. Maybe a half-elf.

"I must say, I am surprised to find you here. I was led to believe the Shadowhand was a solitary man, who took few companions. Do the rest of your friends know you're here?"

"My friends know they can trust me."

"Perhaps... but can you trust yourself?" She wondered aloud.

 _"With respect,"_ he muttered through gritted teeth, "could you please get the fuck off our ship."

The Archmage of Antiquities' smile tightened. "With pleasure. Remember to pass on my message."

With a snap of her fingers, she created a dimension door and easily stepped through it. The blue portal quickly elapsed, leaving Caleb alone in the dark to try and make sense of what had just happened. He tried to scramble out of bed, summoned a few dancing lights to search for his clothes by. Essek soon returned, and Caleb raced to embrace him.

"Caleb, what's wrong? You're shaking!" He exclaimed, sinking onto the bed beside him as soon as he pulled away. "I didn't want to leave, but I had to send a report to the Dusk Captain..."

"Vess de Rogna just left. She says your research notes will be ready for you as soon as the negotiations are complete. But she just... dimension doored into the room! Don't you have any wards?!"

Essek looked confused, then returned his focus to Caleb, gaze hardening as he took his face in hand. "Did she threaten you?" He asked, his voice turned to steel but his touch tender. Caleb was still shaking. He was scared. Essek had never seen him scared before, not even when he was running off to face demons and dragons. 

"N-no, but... she knows about us, now... and she knows _I know,_ or at least... she assumes I do. She doesn't know the rest of the Nein do."

"That I am working with the Assembly?"

"Ja!" A beat. "I did not know you were 'terminating your agreement' early. That was news to me. I pretended it wasn't."

"I wanted out. I told you I wanted out. Do you still distrust me?" He asked, carding a hand through dishevelled red hair, a sad but resigned look on his face.

"No, I trust you... but I am afraid for you, too. If it was that easy for Vess to find you, how hard could it be for the rest of the Assembly?"

Essek smiled, gaze softening, hand still woven in Caleb's hair. He pressed a kiss to his forehead. "Why not look on the bright side? Maybe they will feel less inclined to send an assassin now they know I won't be alone."

Caleb grimaced. "But what if you are? I can't always be here..."

"Maybe. But they don't know that." 

"If I come back tomorrow night..."

"You don't have to," Essek was quick to interject.

"I _want_ to come back. I want you to be a part of my life." He took up Essek's other hand, resting on the bed for balance, and pressed it.

"Should we tell the Nein about de Rogna?" Essek asked. Caleb shook his head.

"Not right now. They have enough to worry about, and... they would all insist on staying here with you. It may be selfish but... I want to keep you to myself." 

Essek nodded, with a faint smile, still unsure how to respond to any of this. Then he remembered what time it was. The Nein would soon be waking up. He tried to move away from the bed but Caleb was still holding loosely onto his arm, and easily pulled him back in for a parting kiss.

"You ought to get dressed. We don't have time," he murmurred when Caleb finally broke away, still staring at his parted mouth, thinking better of leaving.

"Tomorrow night?"

"You know where to find me." 

Caleb nodded, letting go of Essek's arm so he could finish getting ready before facing the others.

* * *

Jester was standing on the precipice of the boat, arms outstretched, wind tangling its way through her curly blue hair. Fjord and Beau were 'training.' Essek had his head in a book. Caleb and Veth made there way through the assembled gathering, sat down with Caduceus and Yasha, who were making hats, or trying to. Caleb took in the scene, smiling faintly, before looking up ahead, over the horizon, and the ships that had come to dot it.

"We are getting much closer. Beau, do you want to pay another visit to the _Wind of Eons_?" Beau shrugged her shoulders, scrambled back up onto her feet.

"Sure, why not?" She threw back, cracking her knuckles with a warm smile.

"Will you all be fine without us?" He asked, briefly surveying the others. Essek didn't even look up from his book.

"Yeah, of course!" Jester piped up, jumping down from the rig. She threw an arm around Beau's shoulders, gave her a quick hug, and whispered: _"The Traveller loves you so much!"_ Before trotting off to join Caduceus and Yasha in their hat-making, as Caleb took Beau in hand and they glided off the ship.

Eventually Jester grew tired of hat-making, and wandered over to sit next to Essek and watch him read.

After a good ten or fifteen minutes of this, Essek piped up: "Are you having fun?"

"You look funny in armour."

Essek smiled. "I know."

"I'm glad you finally agreed to hang out with us, Essek!"

He lifted his head from the book, closed it, and set it aside. He appreciated how nonplussed Jester appeared to be after his confession. He knew the others were still wary of him, keeping a watchful eye, but Jester could still talk to him as if nothing had changed at all.

"So am I, Jester. Did you enjoy the pastries?" Jester nodded. There were still a few scattered crumbs across her face. "I'm glad."

"How did your shopping trip to Rosohna go?" She asked, brushing the crumbs away with the back of her hand.

"It wasn't much of a shopping trip. I just had to settle some business with the Queen."

Jester scrinched her face up. "...You needed Caleb for that? Not that I'm judging! I think it's super cool that you like him and stuff."

Essek nodded. He didn't necessarily _need_ her approval, but he appreciated it. "I enjoy our lessons. He is a quick learner."

"Would you hate me if I maybe told Caleb you like him?" She asked, tail flicking back and forth nervously.

"I could never hate you, Jester! And I suspect he already knows."

"Wait, wait... so you _do_ like him? Like, _like-like him?_ Like in a _Tusk Love_ way?"

"What is _Tusk Love?"_ He echoed, clearly lost.

"Jester, let him read in peace!" Fjord chided from the table where he was playing a hat model.

"Do you always read these boring old books?" She asked with a yawn. "Don't you ever want to read something _fun?"_

"Like what?" He asked, lifting his chin. Her grin widened, showing teeth. She pulled a book out from her bag of holding, passed it to him.

"This one's called _The Salty Sea._ Caleb gave it to me. It's about this imperial sailor who falls in love with a pirate. It's very, uh... educational." She gave him a wink. Essek reluctantly took the book, looked it over. It was quite slim, and well-thumbed, with a rather garrish cover.

"Thank you, Jester," he said with sincere feeling.

"Caleb liked it _a lot,_ if you need, y'know... tips. Look, I marked the important pages," she said, pointing at the corner where she'd dogeared a few pages.

He thumbed through it quickly, found it full of interesting notes and doodles in the margins, courtesy of Jester. Most of the doodles were of their friends, or the Traveller.

"Noted," he hummed, and this time when Jester hugged him, a little awkwardly, he leaned into it, as best he could, even though he was sitting down and they were facing different directions.

"Thank you," he repeated, this time with a warm smile, and Jester leapt to her feet before running over to join the others.

 _"I'm glad I could help!"_ She called over her shoulder in a sing-song voice.

* * *

"I have a confession to make," Caleb announced the following night, as he gazed pensively at the star-studded sky hands clasped together behind his head. Everyone else had gone to bed, and after sufficient pleading, he had managed to lure Essek out onto the deck to stargaze.

"Oh no, I thought you were too quick to forgive me... what war did you start?" Essek asked.

"It's nothing that important, but... you were often on my mind, even in the Barbed Fields. I barely knew you, then... but I couldn't stop thinking about you. It felt nice, going over spells, something so new and so old and so natural, as falling into sync with someone over something so much a part of you... and the way you smiled, and laughed, and your gaze never left mine, and you seemed to not be looking at me but through me and... I realised I missed this. Wanted this. Someone to kiss, and hold, and watch the stars with. I thought it was... beyond me, now, that... no one could ever want me that way again, but... meeting you made me wonder."

"Really? That long ago?" Essek asked.

Caleb flushed, embarassed. "I said it wasn't important..."

Essek caught his arm, forcing Caleb to meet his eyes. As soon as he did, he eased his hold, let go. He kept holding Caleb's gaze and attention rapt, but by the force of his will alone, or whatever magnetism kept pulling them together.

"You intrigued me from the start. By all rights, you should have been my enemy. You threatened everything I had been working so hard to protect for years... but that wasn't why you intrigued me. You are so beautiful, Caleb. So much more than you know. Don't roll your eyes. You are. When the light plays on your hair, it burns, red and gold. When your eyes soften with feeling, as you look on your friends. The way you talk about magic, with such wonder. Oh, I knew what you were doing, when I gave you that first lesson. I knew you were lying, saying whatever it took to get your hands on more magic... but that only intrigued me more. I thought you were just like me."

A pause, as Essek looked fondly up at Caleb from where they now lay side-by-side. A pool or white hair framed his pretty face, as he looked up at Caleb, eyes seeming almost to glow in the dark of night.

"I know you're not, now. I know you're so much better. But I knew, then, I had to get closer to you... and not just because I couldn't scry on you, or because you were the one who handed over the beacon... I knew I had to get closer, because I liked the way your eyes lit up, whenever you spoke of magic. Because I wanted to see you smile. Because I, selfishly, wanted to be the reason _why_ you smiled."

He drew himself up onto his elbows, than leaned over, to pull Caleb into a deep kiss. Caleb leaned into it, chasing it.

"And I wanted to know what it would feel like to do that," Essek added, coyly running a hand up the human's hip. Caleb shivered, grinning down at Essek, first from beside him, now over him, arms fully extended. It was strange to see Essek like this. One of the most powerful mages in Exandria, made small and vulnerable and shy from desire. How precious this was, he thought, before placing another kiss on his forehead, and catching up Essek in his arms before rolling over, dragging the nervous elf with him. "We should go to bed. The stars will still be here tomorrow."

"What if they aren't?" Caleb complained. Essek shook his head, smiling down at him as he pressed a kiss onto the top of his head, before casting a quick spell over the human, to make him nearly weightless, so Essek could pick him up in his arms and carry him back to their room, where he tucked the sleeping human into bed.

Essek stayed up to read, but did not leave their bed, and kept a close eye on the sleeping human curled up at his side until the time came when he could set aside his research and worm his way back into Caleb's arms to trance for the remainder of the night. Before he could, however, Caleb woke, breathless, from a nightmare. Essek caught up his flailing hands, pulled him into a tight, protective hug until his heart stopped racing so fast, and gave him back the words he had given him in Rosohna.

 _"I've got you. It's okay. I'm right here. You're not alone. Shh."_ Caleb pressed his head against Essek's chest, and the drow's arms wrapping around his torso and threading him close. They stayed like this for a few minutes, until Caleb's breathing steadied and his panic subsided. Essek kept holding him, but with just one arm now. The other hand gently carded through his hair. It was a relaxing motion. Caleb leaned into it, giving Essek an idea. He asked Caleb to turn so he was sitting up with his back to him, and started segmenting his hair, then braiding it. It took awhile to finish, but Caleb seemed to find this ritual peaceful. He looked moments away from falling asleep.

"This is the Den Thelyss braid," Essek explained once he was done. "If we were engaged in Rosohna... this is how you would wear your hair." Caleb absently cast dancing lights, so he could admire his new look in a small mirror. "I'll take it out..." Essek continued, one hand moving forward to clasp Caleb's shoulder and bring him back within arms reach so he could undo all his hard work. But Caleb shook his head.

"No, keep it. I like it." He said, turning to face Essek. "I want people to know I'm yours."

Essek had resigned himself to a solitary life half a century ago. He had never even dreamed of having a partner with whom he might share his life, but seeing Caleb in wedding braids, in his bed, as the first light of dawn began, slowly, to break through curtained windows was giving him ideas.

"I should trance, and you should return to your friends," Essek insisted. He had a feeling if he did not get rid of Caleb now he might say or do something stupid. Another kiss, much longer than the first, and Caleb was out of his bed, getting dressed. Then, far too soon, he was out the door, and Essek was alone again, in the dark, and he tried and failed to trance, because trancing requires a clear head, and he couldn't stop thinking about what their life together might look like, if they survived this.

* * *

While Essek tranced, Caleb went above deck to eat breakfast. The Kryn Guards wouldn't stop snickering and staring at him. Caleb silently gave thanks Essek was still below deck, so they didn't have to have a repeat of a scene they had a few days ago, when Essek overheard the guards teasing Caleb in undercommon. He nearly tore them apart, because they called Caleb his 'Empire pet,' and wondered if he was 'housebroken yet.' Caleb just read his book and ignored them, as Fjord and Beau did push ups and the rest of the Nein ate. Jester popped some blueberries in her mouth, chewed them, then smiled at Caleb with blue teeth.

"I like your hair! It looks _so_ pretty!" She exclaimed.

 _"Handsome,"_ Veth corrected, as if it made any difference. She went over to admire his new hair, ran a hand over it. "It is getting very long. Once we get back to dry land I can weave some flowers in, make it look really nice."

"Who braided your hair? Was it _Essek?"_ Jester asked, leaning in close to whisper his name confidentially. Caleb grabbed a handful of berries, ate them in one go so he wouldn't have to answer.

Beau and Fjord finished their morning training. Beau sauntered over to the breakfast table confidently, head held high, while Fjord stumbled over, clearly exhausted. Beau patted his shoulder. "Eat up, you deserve it. That was a good workout."

Caleb kept his head in a book while he ate, hoping to avoid any more questions about his hair, or Essek, or why he had not been with the others when they woke up that morning. But he wasn't completely out of hot water. This time it was Beau, not Essek, who overheard some guards gossiping in Undercommon.

"What do you think Den Thelyss will say when we get back?" One of the guards murmurred to another.

"The Shadowhand engaged to a human from the Empire? He won't hear the end of it."

"I think it's sweet getting engaged at sea! I remember the day Tomaris braided my hair..."

"...Yeah, right before leaving you at the altar."

"Hey, he came back! Eventually. Anyway, this will be different. Can you imagine what kind of wedding Den Thelyss would throw? They'll have guests from all over Exandria..."

"What do you mean, Essek's got engaged?" Beau interrupted, in Undercommon, edging closer, arms propped against the ships railing. The guard closest to her started, surprised.

"Oh! Didn't you see the braids he gave your companion?"

Beau's gaze darted across the way to where Caleb was seated, back turned to her, distractedly eating in front of an opened book. She hadn't noticed the braids, no. 

"How do you know Essek braided his hair?"

"Well they are patterned in the Thelyss style, and he's scarcely left his quarters since your companion joined him..."

"Caleb's been staying with Essek? Since when?"

It was beginning to click the guard had said more than they were supposed to. They began stammering, flustered. Beau pushed.

"Since the voyage began! They're always skulking around, trying to steal a moment together. The Shadowhand nearly had Iris and Dalfor's heads for teasing him about going soft over the human, but I think it's wonderful! Please don't tell him I said anything, please, I need this job..."

Beau headed straight for Essek's quarters. Knocked on the door. Waited. Knocked some more. Essek eventually answered. Seemed surprised to find Beau waiting there, arms crossed, but quickly masked it.

"Ah, hello, Beauregard. Would you like to come in?" She was already inside before he finished. "How can I help you?"

"I know I said take your shot, but I didn't think you'd ask him to marry you!" She exclaimed. Essek quickly closed the door.

"I don't know where you heard that, but if Jester thinks..."

"I overheard the guards. Drow have 'engagement braids'? _What the fuck?"_

"I think you'll find most elves use the way they dress and wear their hair to symbolise class and station, including marital status, not only drow but high and sea elves..."

"Did you ask Caleb to marry you?"

"No."

"Then why do all the guards think so?"

"He had..." Essek grimaced. He did not like the idea of talking about Caleb behind his back. But he did not want to worry Beau needlessly either. She wanted to make sure he was a suitable suitor for her friend. Essek cleared his throat. "A nightmare. I wanted to calm him down. It worked. I don't see the problem. Half the reason I cut my hair was so people would stop pestering me about being unmarried. I don't care for tradition."

"So you two _aren't_ engaged?"

"No."

"Or secretly married?"

"No."

"Great. That brings me to point B. You two sneaking around like a couple of teenagers to make out in a broom closet after lights out is leading to problems. I don't have anything against it, personally... you're both adults, and for some reason, you make him happy... but you have to look at this problem _mathematically_. Caleb stays up all night with you, and then all day with us. When does he sleep?"

"He sleeps. I make sure he sleeps."

"For a few hours, maybe, but he's not an elf! He needs at least eight hours of sleep a night and he isn't getting it. I can tell he isn't getting it. He keeps falling asleep in the middle of the day and forgetting his spells. What if we're attacked? What if we need him?! If he wants to stay with you, then you have to Make. Sure. He. Sleeps."

Essek bowed his head, nodding along. He knew Caleb was like him, easily getting so carried away by whatever he was working on or reading he forgot to eat or sleep.

"I will do what I can," he vowed.

"Good! That's all I wanted to say."

"I am glad I could silence your fears."

"Hey man, if you two wanted to get married one day I'd support you, it's just... he hasn't been in a relationship in a long time. Take it slow."

A nod. "Understood. I think... we are both new to this. But we will take it slow. How are things going with Jester?"

"Things? What things? Nothing is going with Jester we are great it's great well good talk anyway got to go—"

"I take it she's the one who braided your hair? Over that circlet?" He gestured. Beau went a different shade, self-consciously reached up to touch the circlet. She had half-forgotten it was there, Jester had done such a good job braiding it into her hair. "Does she do that every morning?"

Beau opened her mouth, to say something, then sharply closed it. She threw up her hands. "Fine! I guess there's nothing wrong with your stupid braids, just don't be so _loud_ about it..."

"I admit I know very little about tiefling traditions. I wonder, how do they signify engagements...?"

"We're not engaged! We're not even... she doesn't... think of me... that way... at all... and even if she did, which she doesn't... we're too young to settle down and be boring like you two!"

"But you love her."

"Yes, I love her!"

"Like I love Caleb."

"I wish you'd stop saying that! He's like a brother to me. I don't want to think about you two... in bed... kissing... oh man, that's why you took him to Rosohna, isn't it?!"

"...To seduce him? I could do that anywhere. I don't even need the bed."

Beau covered her ears, wincing. "I can't hear you!"

Essek smiled fondly at her, shook his head. "Thank you for the advice. And, ah... thank you for giving me a second chance. I hope I won't disappoint you."

"You better not!" She chimed after him, as she started heading for the doors. "I will cover for you two tonight, but after that you're on your own!"

 _"Wait, Beauregard!"_ He called out before she left. She stopped in the doorway, waiting expectantly. "I know Dairon is an Expositor. I have... always... known Dairon is an Expositor. I was the one assigned to scry on you the night they came. I kept this from the Bright Queen, because... I wanted to see what would happen. But they got too close, one day, while you were away. Went through private records in the Bastion. There was a panic, throughout the Dynasty, as many suspected... one of our own had turned against us. I was suspected, too. Those guards who accompanied me, afterwards, were... the Queen's way of keeping an eye on me, more than anything. I was the only one in the upper echelons of the Dynasty who had an established... _relationship,_ with people from the Empire, so naturally... suspicion fell on me. The investigation I was asked to launch into the movements of high-ranking members in the Bastion helped me discover Adeen Tasithar had ties with the Angel of Irons. Under interrogation, I realised he had been... controlled by them for... months, years. He was no longer the man I knew and grew up with, the cult's claws ran so deep. It was simple work, after all the damage he had already done, to tack onto his list of countless crimes against the Dynasty my own. It wasn't something I... _enjoyed,_ and it wasn't something I wanted to do, but... he was not an innocent man. He has done many things for which he would never be forgiven. If he were not being traded to the Empire, he would have already been put to death for crimes against the Dynasty. That is why I was willing to let him take the fall for the things I'd done. I am aware... that I am not innocent, that I have done terrible things, things for which... perhaps I will never be redeemed... but at least this way... I can do some good. I can help you and your friends work against the Assembly, against these cultists. I can do _something_ to make the world a better, safer place. Even if it's not _enough,_ it's far more 'good' than I could ever hope to do, if I am left to rot in a prison cell, or buried in an unmarked grave."

Beau stiffened, but patiently listened to him say his piece. He had been thinking, ever since their encounter, about what he would say to Beauregard when they met again. He knew he did not deserve her forgiveness or trust, but... he wanted to show her, at least, that he was genuine, when he said he wanted to change, to be better. "Why the change of heart?"

Essek choked back a hoarse laugh. "Friends can do that to a person."

Beau nodded, edged in closer. "Can I let you in on a secret?"

"Uh, sure..."

"I think Caduceus was onto something when he said we were all fuck ups. Well he didn't say it like that but you know. We are. We all are. None of us come from happy homes or perfect lives. But we are different, because we went our own way, because we are all trying to do something meaningful and leave our mark on the world. I'm not as convinced as Caleb is that you can change. I know how hard it is for people to change. But... I also know what it's like growing up in a shitty place, with shitty parents, and no friends, and, shit... I turned to crime, too, to impress the older kids, to impress girls. I didn't steal any relics but... I was so sick and tired of everyone telling me I'd never amount to anything, that I'd probably do... well, anything, if it meant they'd finally stop and take notice. I don't know if that's what happened to you or not, but... if it is... I get it. You don't have any friends, your Den treat you like crap, everyone expects you to be something you're not, so... you gotta do something bold, something no one's ever done before, to be noticed, to be remembered. So you work your way up to being Shadowhand, then steal the beacons, right from under their noses!"

"I think it's a little more complicated than that..."

"Look man, I'm trying to defend you!"

"I didn't steal the beacons for _attention,_ I wanted to discover the secrets of dunamis, and whether or not their magic was truly divine..."

"Okay, see, _that_ is interesting! Why didn't you lean on that angle? Proving whether or not the Luxon is real is a way more valid reason for stealing beacons. Shit, what if people have been binding their souls to a magic rock that's actually a cover up for Tharizdun? Oh man, what if _your_ soul, and the Bright Queen's soul, and your mom's soul, are all like, spiritually connected to Tharizdun?!"

"Ahh, I don't think _that's_ the most likely explanation but... you can understand my concerns. Our entire society is based around the worship of the Luxon and we haven't even begun to understand who or _what_ the Luxon really is, and just attempting to crack that mystery is considered heresy. The only way I could begin to investigate it is if I asked for outside help..."

"So ask for outside help. From the Cobalt Soul."

"The Cobalt Soul...?"

"We could help you! _I could help you!_ I'll ask Jester to send a message to Dairon after this is over. We can solve this mystery together." Essek tried to protest, but was struggling to find the words to do so. "This is what friends do, Essek. They help each other. You help us deal with the Assembly, and the Angel of Irons, and smooth things over with the Bright Queen... and we'll help you find out whether or not the Luxon is catfishing your entire civilization. Do we have a deal?" She stretched out her open hand and Essek simply looked at it, for a long moment, hesitantly, mouth opened. He eventually shook it.

He knew 'dealing with the Assembly and the Angel of Irons' would likely be impossible tasks, and he may die in the attempt, but even if they did succeed... he never expected a 'return favour,' after all the damage he'd done. After Beau left, his thoughts were too distracted to return to work. He took to reading instead, found the novel Jester had lent him. It didn't take him long at all to finish, but it cleared his head. Apparently, 'Caleb liked it.' He assumed Jester had said that as a joke, but in the back of his head he couldn't help but take notes.

* * *

The rest of their trip is uneventful until the day it is. Vess de Rogna does _not_ make another appearance. Instead, Trent appears on the deck of their ship, two lackeys in tow, standing sheepish and silent by his side. He asks to see Caleb. Beau and Fjord quickly rush to his side, protectively pushing in front of him, but Caleb easily walks around them, and out to face Trent on the front deck of their small ship.

"What do you want?" He asks, squinting into the bright sunlight haloing the Archmage.

"The relic is already on its way to the Bright Queen. The war will soon be ended. Now, don't you think it's time we stop playing games? You have had your fun, but it's time to come back to the flock, where you belong."

"I'm not going anywhere," Caleb snapped. The Nein were all standing to attention now, as were the guards. They moved closer, Essek, disguised as a guard in full Kryn armour with his helmet down, among them.

"Why kid yourself, pretending you can be one of these people? That you can survive forever playing both sides? It's a losing battle."

Essek edged closer, extending a hand to lightly touch the back of Caleb's arm, to reassure him. If Trent tried anything, he could easily teleport or misty step Caleb away.

One of Trent's attendants nudge him, points to Essek, and whispers something to Ikithon, who shakes his head. "It seems the Shadowhand has joined us, too. What a small world. Are you running away as well?"

Essek stepped forward, taking Caleb's hand. "I've found something more important than knowledge to live for."

"So you want to run away with _him?"_ He asks, arching one brow as he gestures, without enthusiasm, to Caleb. "A half-penny mage you stole from an asylum? For 15 years he could barely cast a cantrip. Do you honestly think _he_ can do more for you than all the Archmages of the Assembly? How blind the young are. It's a good thing I don't have to worry about that with Eodwulf, here." He turned to the armoured mage at his side, gave his cheek a light pat that made Caleb wince. "He would never abandon me to run off with some crick."

"I'm not afraid of you anymore," Caleb barks back, undaunted, tightening his hold on Essek's hand.

Trent laughs. "No? Suit yourself." His gaze returns to Eodwulf, who looks as blank and unresponsible as ever, a hollow husk of the boy Caleb once knew. "I should have killed him the day he broke. It was just... sentimentalism, which led me to keep him alive this long." He shook his head. "Good-bye, Bren. Enjoy your new friends while they last."

Caleb tenses, a spell already on his lips, prepared to spring into action, before Trent and his companions all step through a dimension door, returning to their ship. The rest of the Nein, and guards, all stand to attention, hands on their weapons, ready for anything... but after several minutes of perfect silence, everyone starts to calm down, except for Caleb and Essek.

Essek gives Caleb a long, sympathetic look, but is unable to say a word before they are suddenly surrounded by Nein, all pushing and pulling and prodding Caleb, to make sure he's okay. Essek loses hold of Caleb's hand and is pushed to the back as they have a group hug. He simply watches this, from the sidelines, not wanting to interrupt, as they shower Caleb with questions, asking him if he's alright. Then the scheming start.

"Sounds like operation beacon heist is back on!" Jester gleefully declares. The initial beacon was already on its way to the Bright Queen, but the Nein _knew_ there was a second beacon in Trent's care. If Trent was here... there was a chance, however slim, he had brought it with him.

"You want to steal the second beacon?" Essek asks. "I don't understand. We are so close to securing a declaration of peace, and you want to jeopardise that...?"

"We are so close to securing a declaration of peace, the Assembly can't _afford_ to jeopardise that! If we steal the second beacon from them, they won't be able to tell the Bright Queen what happened, because that would mean admitting they lied about having it in the first place!" Jester explained.

"What would we even _do_ with the second beacon?" Fjord asked.

"Whatever we want! We can give it to the Bright Queen and say we found it ourselves, or the boys can keep it to experiment on, or we can bury it somewhere no one will ever find it, anything that gets it out of Trent's hands!"

Essek raised a hand to his temple. "I don't think he would bring it with him. Why would he bring it with him?"

"Well even if he hasn't got it, we can bamf on their ship and look for clues!"

Essek sighed, looking between the other's faces. He couldn't believe he was agreeing to this. "Alright. But this is a _stealth_ mission. We will have to be careful." Jester and Veth cheered. The others took some persuading, but they eventually agreed to bamf on their ship and _discreetly_ look for clues for where they were hiding the second beacon.

Essek was already regretting his decision as he took Jester and Caleb in hand, and they, in turn, took Fjord and Veth's, and he murmurred the words to teleport them onto the _Wind of Eons,_ where they quickly separated into two groups. Fjord and Jester took one side of the boat, Veth and the wizards, the other. Caduceus and Beau stayed behind on the Balleater to keep look out and make sure no one else dropped in unannounced.

Veth made herself invisible and scouted ahead, messaging back to Caleb as she picked locks, and they checked each chest and room they encountered. Caleb and Essek also made themselves invisible. A simple enough spell, which Caleb held and concentrated, leaving Essek free to perform other, simple spells, to aid Veth in her search. They eventually found what appeared to be Trent's room, and a portfolio full of notes. They could steal the entire thing, but Caleb insisted it would be wiser to take only the few pages they needed, so Trent would not notice, immediately, their absence. As he picked through them, Veth kept an eye on the door.

Once they had the documents they needed, including the location of the asylum and some notes on the beacon, they made their way towards the door. Then they heard footsteps. Veth scampered back over to them and Essek took a chance, grasping blindly for something solid and eventually catching hold of Caleb's invisible arm, and he in turned grabbed Veth, and they shifted through the wall and into another room just as the door to Trent's quarters opened. They had a hard-landing against the wooden planks of the small storage room, but they were all in one piece. Caleb tumbled into Essek's arms, losing concentration, and they flickered back into visibility, Caleb pinning down a winded Essek to the floorboards.

 _"Do you still have the papers?"_ He whispered. Caleb nodded, flashing them.

He had rolled them up and tucked them away in an inside pocket of his coat. Veth rolled her eyes and pressed her ear to the door, listening for any noise in the hallway before opening the door.

 _"Be quiet you two!"_ She hissed. _"There are people out in the hall!"_

Caleb moved to his feet before helping Essek up. He looked ruffled. As soon as Caleb was certain that Veth and Essek were alright, he motioned for them to keep quiet and sent a message to Jester. She doesn't respond, so he tries Fjord. Nothing. He tells the others they aren't answering. They look between each other, confused. Than there is shouting in the hall. Before Veth or Essek can stop him, Caleb is out through the door. Essek follows him, casting invisibility on both of them. Veth follows suit, racing down the hall, crossbow out and ready. They find Jester and Fjord, but Trent and Eodwulf had found them, too. Eodwulf clicks the manacles into place, as Trent's other companion affixes gags to them. Then Trent snaps his finger, tells the second companion to run and tell Vess de Rogna and the Martinet who they've found skulking around their ship.

An invisible Essek tenses, reaching out to grab hold of Caleb's arm. So close, he's easy to find. He tugs his arm, pulling them down the adjoining hall, and out of sight, before letting the invisibility spell fade away. He signs to Caleb, the sign he had already taught him before they left. The sign for _run, escape._ Caleb shakes his head. He tries to run out of the hall, but Essek's grip tightens, and he does his best to hold him back. Caleb is already starting to draw the runes to a familiar spell before Essek misty steps him into yet another room which is, thankfully, empty. 

"What are you doing?!" Caleb hissed, still fighting to break free from Essek's hold.

 _"What am I doing?!_ What do you think you're doing?!" Essek snapped back in a shrill whisper. "You can't fight Trent, Vess, _and_ Ludinus, all by yourself!"

"I'm not by myself! You're here, and Veth... _oh no,_ _Veth! What if they took Veth, too!"_ Caleb is starting to win this tug of war, but Essek digs his nails in, not willing to lose this fight if that means losing Caleb.

"Veth can look after herself. She had sense enough to stay invisible. Caleb, you're a very powerful wizard, and I have no doubt one day you will surpass them all in strength, but... you are not there yet, and here, outnumbered, _on their terrain,_ surronded by _their guards_... we don't stand a chance. We need to go back for Beauregard and Caduceus. We need to wait until we have the element of surprise on our sides, or until they are sleeping, or..."

"What if there _isn't_ a second chance? What if they kill them, or torture them, or..." his mind was already a whir of anxiety, over all the many horrible things he knew Trent could, and _would,_ do to them, if they were uncooperative. "Or worse."

"We will rescue them—but not like this. We don't stand a chance if we try to fight them like this. Trust me, Caleb. They are my friends, too. I won't let anything happen to them."

Caleb finally stopped fighting. The door opened and Veth raced in, becoming visible as she closed the door behind her. "Boys, I think it's time we leave!" She cried. Essek nodded, letting go his hold of Caleb, and waiting for Caleb to nod his head and murmur assent before drawing the sigils through the air and teleporting them back onto the deck of the Balleater, where their remaining friends were waiting.

"What happened? Did you find the second beacon?!" Beau asked, jumping to attention.

"Not exactly..." Veth replied, casting a worried glance back at the wizards. "Do you want to tell them, or should I?"

"They've got Jester and Fjord. We need to follow that ship," Essek announced, without further explanation. Caduceus and Beau both froze, eyes wide. "I think that makes you Captain, now. Will you do the honours?" He added, looking to Beau. It took a moment for Beau to come back to life, but then she nodded her head, started barking orders, and the crew, and guards, stirred to life, and the ship changed its course to follow the _Wind of Eons_ as it broke away from the rest of the ships. Essek kept waiting for either Beau or Caduceus to ask him for an explanation, and for Caleb and Veth to blame him, for leaving before they had even _attempted_ saving Jester and Fjord, but no one asked, and no one blamed him. Their only concern was his: getting their friends back.


End file.
